2.29.2012

God bless 'Merican Foodstuffs

Hey yous guys! So this weekend I was in Chicago, Illinois for a fun three-day-adventure in the coldest city known to man. Oh hai America, you could have told me to bring a hat. Would have been super duper. But you didn't! So I kept warm the only way I knew how; by eating so much I fell into a food-coma every night at 11pm. Actually, it wasn't so bad (just a few shades warmer than Hoth). This was actually the first time I stepped off a plane in Toronto and went "PRAISE CHEESUS, MY EYELASHES AREN'T FROZEN". I wasn't in Chicago for any particular reason but to enjoy a 3-day weekend, a cheap flight sale, and eating pizza. TRUTH! It was great. I ate Deep Dish Pizza for the first time and it was very very good. Like a tiny, crunchy bed filled with cheesy, saucy puppies. But this post isn't about delicious food, it's about 'Merican food, so let's get to it.

 First, let me say that American grocery stores have the most fucked up names. Aldi, Publix, Jewel Osco, Topps, Winn-Dixie. I guess Canada's aren't much better: Metro, Loblaws, Sobeys, Independent. There's actually a chain in southwestern Ontario called Zehrs (pronounced ZAY-urrs). That's what we shopped at as kids, Zehrs. To this day, I still call 'plastic bags' Zehrs' Bags. One time a friend of mine asked for a 'Zehrs' bag' and a bunch of people went "a WHAT??" and I was like "A Zehrs bag you dummies. He needs a Zehrs bag. You guys don't keep your plastic bags?"

Okay, enough nostalgia. So the grocery store where I took these pictures was a Jewel-Osco. Nice grocery store, but no Publix. Publix is my FAVOURITE grocery store ever. Tons of crazy, shitty 'Merican food (but also good produce. WHAT the HELL am I talking about??) Second, Chicago reminds me a lot of both Montreal and Toronto. With that being said, their grocery stores were also like Montreal and Toronto. Nothing super ridiculous or crazy, food-wise. Maybe it is just the state? I mean, you know that if you need caloric-nightmares, you go to Florida or Alabama. Illinois was very much like Canada; lots of healthy stuff, nothing too ostentatious. I combed Jewel-Osco like the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang looking for Surf-n-Turf flavoured potato chips or Wedding Cake-flavoured Fruit Roll-Ups.

With that being said, I have found some good ones. One caveat though: NO YOGURT!!! Yoplait needs to step up its game, because there hasn't been a new dessert-flavoured yogurt released in like, a year. Although maybe it was Illinois fault; maybe they just haven't received a shipment of Pecan Pie Non-Fat Yogurt or Deep Fried Mars Bar Mousse Yogurt. Alright, let's get to it! Starting with the most important meal of the day: Breakfast.

Kellogg's Krave cereal. This is crunchy chocolate cereal with a delectable chocolate filling. So, it's cookies then. You're eating cookies. This sounds gross. I love chocolate, but this is too much. I remember being a kid and seeing an ad for Teddy Grahams cereal on TV and knowing my parents would NEVER buy it for me, so one morning I got up early, poured myself a bowl of Teddy Grahams cookies and watched as my father lost his shit over me eating a bowl of cookies and milk. When I think back, I'm like "What a dummy! How was I so unable to differentiate between cookies and cookie-shaped cereal?" NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO!!! Krave: is it cookies or cereal?!? It's both! It's cookies and candy and cereal, all rolled into one! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Kellogg's Nutri-Grain Yogurt Bar, you made me positively sick to look at you.  That filling looks like barf, number one. It's strawberry yogurt filled, number two. JUST EAT STRAWBERRY YOGURT!!! That filling must be so revolting. It would have to be much thicker and less damp than yogurt. Alright, sounds like we're talking either cheesecake or oil-based "creme". FUCK YOU, BREAKFAST!

Kellogg's Eggo mini Muffin Tops. I have no words (except that Kellogg's is featured a lot in this post. It appears that they may be the benchmark for terrible food ideas).

 Kellogg's Pop-Tarts in Wildlicious. To me, and with help from the picture, it seems that 'wildlicious' flavour is a combination of cherry, strawberry, and orange. I have no issues with this as a food-stuff; cherry-strawberry-orange sounds like it would be absolutely delicious and breakfast-appropriate. Berry-citrus. Okay! I'm on board with that! The reason it's on this list is because it is lazy. Kellogg's Pop-Tarts has a long-standing reputation of bringing us the grossest fillings in American Pastry History. Ice Cream Sundae. Birthday Cake. Sugar Cookie. Strawberry Milkshake. So a cherry-strawberry-orange filling is not only off-brand, but deeply disturbing. What's next? 1/2 Sugar Pop-Tarts? All-natural fig filling? 100-mile diet, locally farmed apple?? I do not like this Pop-Tarts. Not one bit. Go back to filling your tarts with the likes of Caramel Corn and Spicy Queso.

On to snacks. Merkts/Kaukauna spreadable processed cheese. I understand that the midwest loves cheese (really, who doesn't?) but there was an awful lot of spreadable, tubbed cheddar in the cheese aisle. I think this is supposed to be like fancy Cheez Whiz? Why do we need fancy Cheez Whiz? Just eat real cheese. Life is hard sometimes guyyyyyyyys!

This picture may be confusing, but it's a bunch of single-packed giant pickles packed in brine. Just some huge pickles. Allow me to show an average-sized hand holding said pickle:

Forget about the length of that sucker, it was the width of a hand! Hoo mama, cut me off a piece of that! It's not the size of the pickle, but the motion of the ocean, AMIRITE?!?! Aside from making wiener jokes (which we did) I also marveled at a single, giant pickle. Do NOT get me wrong - I love pickles, and I would probably love this. But this seems like too much. It's also totally weird! You're not supposed to put pickles in bags and bring them to lunch! Hello - has no one seen Uncle Buck? (Remember when he packs the kid's lunch and Macaulay Culkin gets a dill pickle in a ziploc bag?)

Jell-O color-changing vanilla instant pudding. This specific brand is called "Mixchief" (get it? Mischief? So lame) and it turns your pudding green. That looks about as appetizing as lower-back surgery. This is just awful. What is wrong with parents?? Who would buy this?? Remember that terrible green ketchup from a few years back? When will parents finally put down their foot and say "NO. NO I WON'T BUY YOU PUDDING THAT LOOKS LIKE THE HULK'S RUNNY STOOL."

Nabisco's Berry Burst Ice Cream Oreo. Oreo has been trying to think up new flavours for a long time. I don't blame them; we're in a recession, and Original Recipe Oreos aren't going to keep the lights on in the Nabisco factory. Sorry, did you just say that Oreo is the world's best selling cookie? That it literally has no competition? It's an incredibly simple cookie to make and is usually free of artifical flavours and colours? It's almost the same recipe they've been using since the beginning? Oh, okay! Then WHY THE FUCK WERE THESE MADE???

Look, if you're going to change anything, just change the shape to little footballs. Same great taste! Tiny football shape! Get 'em for game day! Friday Night Lights! Go Team Go! U-S-A! U-S-A!!

While in Chicago, I discovered that there is a rather large Mexican population. This was evident in their grocery stores where the "Southwest/TexMex" section was simply labeled "EL FOOD". I really wanted to try Mexican chocolate (because I love Abuleta hot drink mix) and I bough this tiny chocolate bar called Carlos V for $0.39. You can't see on the bottom, but it says "Milk chocolate-style bar". Yep, that means just what you think it means...it tastes like cheap, shitty Easter chocolate. Carlos V is supposed to be the King of Chocolates, but I can tell you first-hand that he is the king of a terrible, dilapidated candy factory. He makes Willy Wonka look like Lenin. 

The Carlos V bar is like a Magic 8 Ball, but instead of predicting your future, the chocolate dares you to eat it. "You want me?" it asks? Both sides should say NO. Or one side could say 'NO' and the other could say 'SI. ME GUSTA DIARREAH.'

Chocolate Twizzlers. Oh boy. Where do I start with this? Chocolate-flavoured licorice. It's bad enough that licorice isn't even black anymore. Whenever someone says 'licorice' you immediately think of red, vaguely-strawberry flavour. Ugh. I also like that it's branded as a low-fat snack. You know what else is low-fat? An apple. A small piece of dark chocolate. Not a whole bag of chocolate-flavoured Twizzlers (because, let's be honest with ourselves; nobody opens a bag of Twizzlers and doesn't try to finish them before they get stale, which is IMMEDIATELY).

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream in Karamel Sutra. Nothing says "Yum! Ice cream!" like hundreds of sexual positions. This was a huge mistake, guys. Huge mistake. No one wants to think about recently-divorced moms and their new weird boyfriend Chad trying out The Crouching Lotus-pouch while eating ice cream.

Duncan Hines Amazing Glazes. Two bottles, same product? Is one supposed to be respectful, decent, and Christian, and the other is dark and sinful and for 'lovers' to pour on their crotches while eating Karamel Sutra? America, why u so hard to understand sometimes?
PS - in case you haven't guessed, I think this looks fucking disgusting.

Speaking of disgusting! Philadelphia Indulgence. It's tough to see, but there are 3 flavours here: dark chocolate, white chocolate, milk chocolate. Aaaaaannnnddddd...it's Philly cream cheese whipped with chocolate! It's a dip! It's a spread! It's only ever going to be eaten by the morbidly obese as a low-cal heart-smart alternative to canned Betty Crocker frosting! ME GUSTA.

Last but not least, we have a new champion for the "Which 'Merican Food is Giving the Biggest Middle Finger to Middle America" contest...GOLDFISH! What was once a tasty cracker snack given to toddlers is now a giant stinky prison orgy between salt, sugar, artifical flavour, palm oil, "BAKED, NOT FRIED!" (which means it's as healthy as a carrot) and the letter X. Can I give you some perspective here? In Canada, we have Original Goldfish, Rainbow Goldfish (which is just naturally-coloured cheddar), Pretzel Goldfish, Xtreme Cheddar (okay, fiiiine) and Chocolate Goldfish. In the US, you have Flavour Blasted Chocolate, because regular chocolate just isn't enough for your desensitized tastebuds. Make it extreme! Chock up the flavour!! It should be like a flavour explosion ripping through your gums!!! But look - whatever - sometimes you want super-chocolatey cookies. I'm not exempt from this; I enjoy taking Double Stuff Oreos and pushing two together to make an ultra-thick cookie. So I'll give Xtra Chocolatey a pass. But Vanilla Cupcake flavor blasted Goldfish? Ummmm....what? Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again: what the hell is the flavour profile for "Vanilla Cupcake"? It's like saying something is 'lasagna-flavoured' - it's made up of so many elements, that it could literally be anything. Vanilla Cupcake would be:
- cake flavour
- vanilla
- butter
- a sticky sweetness that comes from icing sugar
- sprinkles (sprinkle flavour?)
I just can't. Look, we had our time with bacon-mania, and now I'd like to see cupcake-a-palooza come to an end too. Also I would die a little inside if I had a kid that asked for these at the grocery store. Not because I'm a health nut, but because I would hope that my kid could tell the difference between Vanilla Cupcake Goldfish and ACTUAL cupcakes, and would ask for the second.

Up next in the Parade of Horrors is Goldfish S'mores Adventures. I love it. The only adventure awaiting the person who buys these is the long arduous trek from the couch to the fridge. So in case you can't tell, these are chocolate and honey (aka Plain) fish and fish-shaped marshmallows. You're supposed to put them together? And eat them like a S'more? Whut? That doesn't make sense. There's no melty part to this. It's just cracker-cracker-dried out marshmallow-cracker. That makes for a very dry mouth. Here's my major qualm with this product (BAHAAHAH - as if I only have one): it's that it would be very very easy to make a S'more-flavoured graham. The base is already graham cracker. Add some teeny-tiny chocolate chips. Swirl some "marshmallow" flavour into that graham (hell, use the Vanilla Cupcake flavour) and there you go. You would have a cracker that tastes like a S'more. But why even bother? Remember that S'more candy bar that NO ONE bought because it was gross and why the fuck would you eat a S'more flavoured candy bar when you could make the real thing in your microwave and it would taste 10000x better? Or remember that cereal, Smorz, that NO ONE is buying because nobody wants to eat dried up marshmallow flakes with chocolate-flavoured dry cereal because S'MORES AREN'T DRY AS A FART? S'mores are gooey and hot and taste like campfire and summer and outdoors and charcoal and wooden sticks. They don't taste like stale, fish-shaped grahams.

Last, but not least, is Goldfish Flavor Blasted Slammin' Sour Cream & Onion. Slammin'. Who uses the word "slammin" anymore? Who EVER used it? And why would you want crackers that taste like Slammin' Sour Cream & Onion? Who made this, Guy Fieri?? Throw some sunglasses on that fish and you basically have Guy "Tex Wasabi" Fieri.

 That's better. Come to think of it, why isn't he the spokesperson for Goldfish? I mean, they've abandoned everything else about Goldfish: the simplicity, the charming jingle. Someone should animate an obnoxious, fake-Italian with bro-hair and unnecessary wraparound sunglasses that shouts phrases like "SLAMMIN" and "SO MONEY" while flying through the air in a flavour-dust fart explosion.

One last thing. If 'Merican food has taught me anything, it's this: in the future, people won't be eating foods in pill-form. They'll simply be eating popcorn seasoning, washing it all down by chugging VitaminWater by the 2L bottle. Eventually there will be no Goldfish; it will all be Xtreme Flavor Blast and Xtra Flavor Coating and Sour Powder and Cake Glaze. Essentially, our diet will be Toppings and Sauces. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!!!!

2.24.2012

Dobermans *might* not be Satan's Dog

So remember last week how I referred to a Doberman Pinscher as "Satan's dog"? Yeah, I remember too. Thanks to anti-Doberman propaganda like UP! we've all been conditioned to believe that if you encounter a Doberman, you're pretty much screwed and you should write your will asap. Anyways, in the past when I've talked shit about dog breeds (ahem - Pitbulls) I would usually end up with a shitstorm of hate mail (from - ahem - Pitbull owners). What can you do, you know? I guess the minute you buy a certain breed of dog you give up your sense of humor. So I knew that someone, somewhere would probably read what I wrote about Dobermans or Dalmatians and think "THAT. FUCKING. IGNORANT. BITCH. I am going to leave SUCH a comment on their blog to teach them a lesson." And that's fine  - I like reading ranty, poorly-edited comments and emails. It brightens my day. So when I finally received an email about referring to a dog as Satan's Dog, I was pleasantly surprised that it said this:

I own a Doberman and laughed when you called them Satan's dogs. Mine doesn't have her ears done so she doesn't look so scary. I think they should all have floppy ears. But they are Satan's dogs. They're assholes!! Stubborn, hyper, and my dog is a life support system for her gut. She is good for scaring the junkies next door but if you owned one of these dogs you'd see what suckies they really are. Never had a more clingy dog in my life.


Oh boy, that was a nice email! It made my day! I love when people can laugh at their pets. Then my day got a million times better when she SENT ME A PICTURE OF SATAN'S DOG. Her name is Meadow, by the way. Meadow!


Are you looking at this cute-pie?? This is a far cry from Alpha. Meadow's owner also told me she has a picture of her in a Cone of Shame too. WHAT?!!? I'm such a sucker for dogs in cones. I asked Meadow's owner if I could post her picture online and she told me to because "her Gramma will be proud to show her friends". OH MY GOD, I'M DYING!!! I love the idea of some lady with pictures of a dressed-up Doberman on her fridge or telling her friends about how obedience school is going for her "Granddoggy". Holy crap, pets are the best, right? I honestly can't think of anything better than a dog or a cat right now.


So there you go. This dog is adorable and I love her and I wish I could hug it. If you have a dog or a cat, go hug it for me right now!!! I promise I'll reward you handsomely (I'm going to 'Murrica this weekend, which means...ANOTHER AMERICAN FOOD POST!!! It's been too long).
Happy Friday, everyone.

2.16.2012

The Best Dog in the World is...


This little guy!!! His name is Malachy and he's a Pekingese (one of my favourite dogs because they look like facial hair come to life). The Westminster Kennel Club named him Best in Show which means he'll be dining on Purina for the next year (instead of generic-brand Happy Dawg Dog Kibble, which is what he'd get if he came home A LOSER). He is seriously so cute, it's making my heart hurt. Normally I find out who won Best in Show and scream out "FIXED!!! THIS FUCKING SHOW IS FIXED!!" because it's usually a doped-up Boxer, but this year they finally got it right. Forget muscle tone and markings and teeth; give the cup to the cutest furball that done showed up. So congrats, Malachy! You get to sleep on the bed this week and eat out of the garbage all you want! You deserved it. But what about the six other dogs who went home losers? Kidding, they're all winners in my heart (except for Boxers, because they look gross). Let's see who was up against Malachy and see if they stood a chance, shall we?


Name: Playing with Fire (but they call him Cinders. Awww)
Breed: Wirehaired Dachshund
Best of: Hounds
I like wiener dogs a lot. There's something so charming about their faces; I like to imagine them all dressed up in a formal tuxedo with a hat and a cane and it makes me laugh. There's something I don't really like about this wire-haired one; I kind of like the short-haired silky ones better. This guy looks dirty, like he lives in a gas station mensroom.
How does you compare to Malachy? No comparison. I'd rather snuggle that Pekinese all day long. Cinders is cute and tiny, but he's not a floating mustache.


Name: Spotlights Ruffian
Breed: Dalmatian
Best of: Non-Sporting
Awww Dalmations. Nothing brings a couple together more than adopting more than 100 dalmations, all the while praying that one of their erstwhile friends doesn't try to steal them and skin them alive in order to make a floor-length dog-fur coat. Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, this Dalmation. 
How does you compare to Malachy? Doesn't. I don't care if they are pals with Firemen; did you know that Dalmatians have the highest bite-rate? That's correct - if stuck between a Pitbull and a Dalmation, head for the land shark; you've got a better chance of surviving with your face intact.


Name: Captain Crunch
Breed: German Shepherd
Best of: Herding
Oh shoot, he's a cute pie. Look how soft that fur is. I bet he really likes to fetch stuff. 
How does you compare to Malachy? Pretty close. While I don't love German Shepherds, I do love when they're mixed with things. My parent's dog is 1/2 German Shepherd and 1/2 Siberian Husky and she is the cutest damn dog you've ever seen. If I had to choose between owning Malachy and Captain Crunch, I'd probably pick the Captain (but I'd be paying for it later when his hips give you and he drags himself around like a sealion).


Name: Caught Red Handed
Breed: Irish Setter
Best of: Sporting
I just cannot get away from the fact that this dog probably always has a freshly killed mallard duck it its mouth. Right?
How does you compare to Malachy? No comparison. This dog looks like it smells like a pond.


Name: Veni Vidi Vici
Breed: Doberman Pinscher
Best of: Working
Look how fancy this little lady is. Click clack make that money, honey.
How does you compare to Malachy? I like Dobermans, but they always sort of look evil. Isn't this the type of dog Satan owns? This is Satan's dog, right? I mean, I heard he was showing his dog at Westminster this year; this has got to be Satan's dog.


Name: Chelsey
Breed: Kerry Blue Terrier
Best of: Terrier
I don't like a dog who's face is hidden by damp fur. I would not want this animal kissing me.
How does you compare to Malachy? Does not! Yesterday I told you about how I feel about terriers. I would never trade a terrier for a fluffy meringue like Malachy.

VERDICT
Malachy the Pekingese wholeheartedly deserved to win Best in Show. He's a sweet little toy with perfect fur and a happy face. He looks like the kind of dog a rich Chinese Emperor would have (and probably make him wear a tiny little hat). Malachy, I wish I could hug you.

2.14.2012

The Six New Breeds of Dog at Westminster 2012

For some people, this week has already been an exciting one. There's been lots to talk about: Whitney (RIP), Beyonce's baby pictures (aka SeƱorita Bought-and-paidro. Seriously, have you seen those pictures? Who's the mom, Eva Longoria?) Nicki Minaj at the Grammys (aka Whaaaaat was happening there?), Grandma-donna at the Superbowl, one week till the Oscars, etc etc. There's a lot to cover. But you know what? A million other blogs have said it all much better than me. You wanna hear about Whitney? Go read what Rich at FourFour wrote. Want to know everything else? Dlisted. Exactly. I get all my news from Dlisted (is that sad? Whatever, I'm over it).

So instead I'm going to write about something topical in my world (The Land of Loners and Weirdos). This week is the Westminster Kennel Club Dogs-a-Poppin' K9 Showdown (I don't think it's called that) and I am amped like you wouldn't believe. I love watching dog shows. And yes, obviously I love Best in Show (but who doesn't?) There are so many things about the Westminster show that I love:
1. The dogs. The dogs are all clean and snuggle-ready. I wish I could snuggle them all (all but the Boston Terriers because those dogs are HELLA GROSS).
2. The dogs are all happy. I hate when people get all shoulder-chippy and act like they're the voice of the dogs and complain like "the dogs are treated like cattle. They're stuffed into small crates and paraded about like pieces of meat. It's degrading. Would their lupine ancestors do this in the wild? What about the 99%? WHAT ABOUT ALL THE POOR SHELTER DOGS?!?!!?" and it's like, chill the fuck out for a second.
A - You're a cat owner, right? Exactly.
B - The dogs love it. Anyone who has a dog knows they love being preened over and given non-stop attention. The dog show is essentially a week-long holiday for the dogs. 7 days of pets, snuggles, treats, and everyone is talking to them in baby talk. "Ooooh, Mummy is so proud of you Skittles! Look at how you turned your tail out on that last canter! You are just too much! Have this whole bag of Snausages! I WUV WOO."
C - The number of shelters dogs being adopted right now is at an all-time high (thanks to education on back-yard breeders and puppy mills) so ease up - just because someone wants to show their 20th Pug doesn't mean Scamp is being given the nite-nite-needle.
3. The handlers. Not all of them are overweight (most though...most), but all of them have terrible style. They're the kind of people you look at and go "you know what? I get that they're wearing slacks with pleats and socks from 1993, but I bet the treat their Shih Tzu like a King." And they do!! They're all so dedicated to what they do. Dog handlers don't do that shit half-assed; they're in it to win it. And if they don't win it? They don't care, because they go home with a little furry prize that loves them no matter what. It's a win-win.

Anyways, I'll probably end up writing about the Westminster show more this week (because I owe yous guys) but for now I want to write about the 6 new breeds they've included in this year's show. I heard that they were only letting in 3 new breeds, so the double number was a pleasant surprise. Plus, they're all breeds that deserve to be included. But please don't confuse my acceptance for tolerance; I will quit this bitch the minute they allow Puggles and Goldendoodles to compete (NOT IN MY LIFETIME).

Here are the 6 new breeds that people will be talking about (and by people, I mean sad losers who follow dog shows).

 
Breed No. 1: AMERICAN ENGLISH COONHOUND (Hound Group)
From what I read, the American English Coonhound (something...about that name bothers me. Can we call it a Raccoon Hound please?) came from Virgina Hounds.
Pros: Speed, endurance, an "excellent voice". Also is pleasant and sociable to both humans and dogs. That's cute!
Cons: Needs regular exercise to stay in shape. Don't adopt this dog if you love naps, I guess.
Do I likey? Yeah, me likey. She's cute. I'm not a fan of all those visible nipples, but I'm sure I could put a dog-Snuggie on it. 
I'd name it: Whiskey, Tupper, Rocky, Poochy. Or, maybe something Southern, like Flapjacks or Woodpile.

 
Breed No. 2: CESKY TERRIER (Terrier Group)
From what I read, the Cesky Terrier was developed to be a muscular hunting dog that could work well in a pack.
Pros: Lean and graceful. Loyal to their owners.
Cons: Reserved around strangers (which is the nice way of saying they're total assholes to new people).
Do I likey? Me no likey. I hate terriers. The only kind of terriers I like are ones that look like Toto or Verdell from As Good As It Gets. I don't like how they get that weird damp stained mustache thing. Why does that happen?!!?
I'd name it: I don't want to get attached to this thing, so I wouldn't name it, but if I had to, I'd pick Smokey or Ned Flanders.

 
Breed No. 3: ENTLEBUCHER MOUNTAIN DOG (Herding Group)
This is the smallest Swiss breed of dog. He always has three colours in his coat and the pattern is always symmetrical. That's about it!
Pros: Amazing work ethic, easy to train, and "an unusually intense bond between the Entlebucher and his master." Um, ew? That doesn't sound right.
Cons: You need to socialize the shit out of this dog, or he will be a living hell for the rest of his life. Oh, also the energy they have as a puppy will be the same as when it's 16 years old. Holy crap, it's like living with ADHD-dog.
Do I likey? Oh yesh, me likey!!! I love the working dogs. There's something about their faces that I adore. The square jaw, the thick furry coats, strong shoulders. I would like to own him, except I don't want a dog that would never settle down (even though you keep going "Seeeeeriously, SETTLE DOWN!! I am NOT PLAYING WITH YOU!"
I'd name it: Cuddle, Eyebrows, Skipper. I was thinking of naming it something that sounded like IKEA furniture, but then I realized I'm a dumb-dumb and that Ikea is Swedish, not Swiss. GOOD ONE, STUPID. Also I might like to name him Blackie.

 
Breed No. 4: FINNISH LAPPHUND (Herding Group)
Oh my god, can you stand how cute this is?!?!!?!? Guess what his job is? He's a reindeer herding dog!! OMG. HE WORKS FOR SANTA. 
Pros: Strong, agile, expressive faces, love their owners, friendly with all people, highly intelligent, eager to learn.
Cons: Get this - THERE ARE NONE. It's the perfect dog, everyone! Throw out your Yellow Lab and adopt a Finnish Lapphund! Although - if I had to wager a guess - I'd say a con is combing that hair. It looks like it gets all tangely.
Do I likey? Me likey!!!! I want it!!! I want to cuddle it so hard!!! You can be my Lapphund, little Finny!!!! I'll give you so many snacks and then when you get too fat, I'll buy you those littel doggy stairs that they sell in the SkyMall catalogue.
I'd name it: Finny, Puffers, Piffers, Puffins, Smoochy, Pooter, Muffin, Pim-Pim-Puppy, Tap Dancer, Whisker Whispers. ANYTHING!! I'LL CALL YOU ANYTHING!!!

 
Breed No. 5: NORWEGIAN LUNDEHUND (Non-Sporting Group)
He's also known as a Puffin Dog. Okay, that's adorable. They have opposable thumbs to help them climb rocks. Again, adorable. I saw one of these guys on the street the other day, and I did a double-take because I thought I was looking at a wolf-fox. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Pros: Alert, cheerful, mischievous.
Cons: They're not allowed to hunt puffins anymore, so you know these guys probably have an insatiable need to kill something. I have a feeling you'd end up with a lot of dead rodents and squirrels at your doorstep.
Do I likey? Ooooh, I likey so much. They're so cute. Like mini siberian huskies or something. I would like to own one.  
I'd name it: Snooki

 
Breed No. 6: XOLOITZCUINTLI (Non-Sporting Group)
THIS IS NOT A DOG.
HIS IS AN ALPO-EATING NIGHTMARE.
IT'S NAME SOUNDS LIKE WHEN YOU PLAY AN ALICE COOPER RECORD BACKWARDS.
I NEED AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST.