2.14.2012

The Six New Breeds of Dog at Westminster 2012

For some people, this week has already been an exciting one. There's been lots to talk about: Whitney (RIP), Beyonce's baby pictures (aka SeƱorita Bought-and-paidro. Seriously, have you seen those pictures? Who's the mom, Eva Longoria?) Nicki Minaj at the Grammys (aka Whaaaaat was happening there?), Grandma-donna at the Superbowl, one week till the Oscars, etc etc. There's a lot to cover. But you know what? A million other blogs have said it all much better than me. You wanna hear about Whitney? Go read what Rich at FourFour wrote. Want to know everything else? Dlisted. Exactly. I get all my news from Dlisted (is that sad? Whatever, I'm over it).

So instead I'm going to write about something topical in my world (The Land of Loners and Weirdos). This week is the Westminster Kennel Club Dogs-a-Poppin' K9 Showdown (I don't think it's called that) and I am amped like you wouldn't believe. I love watching dog shows. And yes, obviously I love Best in Show (but who doesn't?) There are so many things about the Westminster show that I love:
1. The dogs. The dogs are all clean and snuggle-ready. I wish I could snuggle them all (all but the Boston Terriers because those dogs are HELLA GROSS).
2. The dogs are all happy. I hate when people get all shoulder-chippy and act like they're the voice of the dogs and complain like "the dogs are treated like cattle. They're stuffed into small crates and paraded about like pieces of meat. It's degrading. Would their lupine ancestors do this in the wild? What about the 99%? WHAT ABOUT ALL THE POOR SHELTER DOGS?!?!!?" and it's like, chill the fuck out for a second.
A - You're a cat owner, right? Exactly.
B - The dogs love it. Anyone who has a dog knows they love being preened over and given non-stop attention. The dog show is essentially a week-long holiday for the dogs. 7 days of pets, snuggles, treats, and everyone is talking to them in baby talk. "Ooooh, Mummy is so proud of you Skittles! Look at how you turned your tail out on that last canter! You are just too much! Have this whole bag of Snausages! I WUV WOO."
C - The number of shelters dogs being adopted right now is at an all-time high (thanks to education on back-yard breeders and puppy mills) so ease up - just because someone wants to show their 20th Pug doesn't mean Scamp is being given the nite-nite-needle.
3. The handlers. Not all of them are overweight (most though...most), but all of them have terrible style. They're the kind of people you look at and go "you know what? I get that they're wearing slacks with pleats and socks from 1993, but I bet the treat their Shih Tzu like a King." And they do!! They're all so dedicated to what they do. Dog handlers don't do that shit half-assed; they're in it to win it. And if they don't win it? They don't care, because they go home with a little furry prize that loves them no matter what. It's a win-win.

Anyways, I'll probably end up writing about the Westminster show more this week (because I owe yous guys) but for now I want to write about the 6 new breeds they've included in this year's show. I heard that they were only letting in 3 new breeds, so the double number was a pleasant surprise. Plus, they're all breeds that deserve to be included. But please don't confuse my acceptance for tolerance; I will quit this bitch the minute they allow Puggles and Goldendoodles to compete (NOT IN MY LIFETIME).

Here are the 6 new breeds that people will be talking about (and by people, I mean sad losers who follow dog shows).

 
Breed No. 1: AMERICAN ENGLISH COONHOUND (Hound Group)
From what I read, the American English Coonhound (something...about that name bothers me. Can we call it a Raccoon Hound please?) came from Virgina Hounds.
Pros: Speed, endurance, an "excellent voice". Also is pleasant and sociable to both humans and dogs. That's cute!
Cons: Needs regular exercise to stay in shape. Don't adopt this dog if you love naps, I guess.
Do I likey? Yeah, me likey. She's cute. I'm not a fan of all those visible nipples, but I'm sure I could put a dog-Snuggie on it. 
I'd name it: Whiskey, Tupper, Rocky, Poochy. Or, maybe something Southern, like Flapjacks or Woodpile.

 
Breed No. 2: CESKY TERRIER (Terrier Group)
From what I read, the Cesky Terrier was developed to be a muscular hunting dog that could work well in a pack.
Pros: Lean and graceful. Loyal to their owners.
Cons: Reserved around strangers (which is the nice way of saying they're total assholes to new people).
Do I likey? Me no likey. I hate terriers. The only kind of terriers I like are ones that look like Toto or Verdell from As Good As It Gets. I don't like how they get that weird damp stained mustache thing. Why does that happen?!!?
I'd name it: I don't want to get attached to this thing, so I wouldn't name it, but if I had to, I'd pick Smokey or Ned Flanders.

 
Breed No. 3: ENTLEBUCHER MOUNTAIN DOG (Herding Group)
This is the smallest Swiss breed of dog. He always has three colours in his coat and the pattern is always symmetrical. That's about it!
Pros: Amazing work ethic, easy to train, and "an unusually intense bond between the Entlebucher and his master." Um, ew? That doesn't sound right.
Cons: You need to socialize the shit out of this dog, or he will be a living hell for the rest of his life. Oh, also the energy they have as a puppy will be the same as when it's 16 years old. Holy crap, it's like living with ADHD-dog.
Do I likey? Oh yesh, me likey!!! I love the working dogs. There's something about their faces that I adore. The square jaw, the thick furry coats, strong shoulders. I would like to own him, except I don't want a dog that would never settle down (even though you keep going "Seeeeeriously, SETTLE DOWN!! I am NOT PLAYING WITH YOU!"
I'd name it: Cuddle, Eyebrows, Skipper. I was thinking of naming it something that sounded like IKEA furniture, but then I realized I'm a dumb-dumb and that Ikea is Swedish, not Swiss. GOOD ONE, STUPID. Also I might like to name him Blackie.

 
Breed No. 4: FINNISH LAPPHUND (Herding Group)
Oh my god, can you stand how cute this is?!?!!?!? Guess what his job is? He's a reindeer herding dog!! OMG. HE WORKS FOR SANTA. 
Pros: Strong, agile, expressive faces, love their owners, friendly with all people, highly intelligent, eager to learn.
Cons: Get this - THERE ARE NONE. It's the perfect dog, everyone! Throw out your Yellow Lab and adopt a Finnish Lapphund! Although - if I had to wager a guess - I'd say a con is combing that hair. It looks like it gets all tangely.
Do I likey? Me likey!!!! I want it!!! I want to cuddle it so hard!!! You can be my Lapphund, little Finny!!!! I'll give you so many snacks and then when you get too fat, I'll buy you those littel doggy stairs that they sell in the SkyMall catalogue.
I'd name it: Finny, Puffers, Piffers, Puffins, Smoochy, Pooter, Muffin, Pim-Pim-Puppy, Tap Dancer, Whisker Whispers. ANYTHING!! I'LL CALL YOU ANYTHING!!!

 
Breed No. 5: NORWEGIAN LUNDEHUND (Non-Sporting Group)
He's also known as a Puffin Dog. Okay, that's adorable. They have opposable thumbs to help them climb rocks. Again, adorable. I saw one of these guys on the street the other day, and I did a double-take because I thought I was looking at a wolf-fox. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Pros: Alert, cheerful, mischievous.
Cons: They're not allowed to hunt puffins anymore, so you know these guys probably have an insatiable need to kill something. I have a feeling you'd end up with a lot of dead rodents and squirrels at your doorstep.
Do I likey? Ooooh, I likey so much. They're so cute. Like mini siberian huskies or something. I would like to own one.  
I'd name it: Snooki

 
Breed No. 6: XOLOITZCUINTLI (Non-Sporting Group)
THIS IS NOT A DOG.
HIS IS AN ALPO-EATING NIGHTMARE.
IT'S NAME SOUNDS LIKE WHEN YOU PLAY AN ALICE COOPER RECORD BACKWARDS.
I NEED AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Only seems appropriate that you'd celebrate your love of all puppers on Valentines Day ♥

Great post!