3.23.2012

Katy Perry Part of Me music video: If GI Jane was made for dum-dums

*This post is dedicated to my best friend Lj who continues to defend and love Katy Perry, despite tons of evidence that Katy Perry is completely ridiculous.

Recently I dedicated 3 minutes to my life watching Katy Perry murder Jay-Z and Kanye's N****s in Paris. Scratch that. I watched her kidnap, chloroform, torture, assault, murder, and dump the body of N****s in Paris in an isolated creek. Every second was just a total nightmare; I don't think anyone anywhere was sitting around lamenting the fact that they hadn't heard N****s in Paris sung-rapped by a privileged Christian white girl. "Why God WHY hasn't Katy Perry fumbled her way through one of 2011's best raps! Why?! Why hasn't she replaced every N-word with Ninjas and S-word with Ish? MY LIFE ISN'T COMPLETE!!" - said no one. Regardless, I watched that train wreck twice and hated myself for every minute of it. Katy Perry covering Jay-Z and Kanye is the KFC Famous Bowl of music.

I can't say I'm totally biased; I love Katy Perry for what she's done in the world of nail art. Ask any one who's really into nails and they'll tell you she was one of the originals at the helm of the recent nail art revolution. I know, it's sad that we live in a world where that's a thing. Our Grandparents fought Nazis on the shores of France so we could have nails with $50 plastic gemstones on them. Then again, we also live in a world where I still wildly speculate that Beyonce wasn't ever really pregnant and the whole thing was a show, so really - let's all weep together. What's I'm trying to get at is, I don't think that Katy Perry is a total piece of garbage. I mean, she's not a bag of snakes. She's barely in the same cesspool as a Real Housewife. So my bff messages me going "OMG Katy Perry's new video - SO STUPID" and I was like, obviously I need to watch this. And I did. And it's SO DUMB, people. So I broke it down shot by shot. I figured that posting screen-grabs was better than actually listening to the song because, as we all know, the only people who can truly appreciate Katy Perry's music are the Deaf (and maybe people who have recently suffered severe brain injuries).

 Katy Perry's Part of Me (aka my agent thought now would be a great time for me to release a shitty song about revenge and 'girl power' and being stronger and shit because I totally just got divorced and FUCK YOU, RUSSEL BRAND, I'm totally over you and not bitter about our sham marriage falling apart).


We open with Katy Perry playing TOTALLY NOT KATY PERRY because, for real you guys, she's dressed like some mid-western small town-hick, which means she's JUST LIKE YOU!! She's sitting in her 'shitty' car looking at something in the way a monkey looks at a tick.


And in this case, the tick is a locket. Talk about 'Every kiss begins with WTF?' Does any one in the history of ever wear lockets like this anymore? I feel like the only reason they're even made is for exposition purposes in crappy music videos. "I'm forlornly looking at a locket, which means someone is either cheating or dead".


Uh oh! Not dead! The shithead in the locket is RIGHT INSIDE THAT OFFICE!! Ooh, look at Pissed Katy Perry charge in there. That cropped jean jacket means business.


Well if it isn't Millimeter Peter. HA HA HA HA KATY PERRY YOU ARE SO CLEVER!!! Forget the fact that no one EVER would have a sign up in their office like that. Millimeter Peter isn't a nickname, despite how many throws through Microsoft Word Art. Katy Perry - so good at dick jokes now. OMG YOU ARE SO EDGY!!!


Holy shit, I hope that wig is insured because Katy Perry is acting it off the rails! Do we give out Oscars for music video acting? Because Katy Perry should get ALL OF THEM, EVER. She is a serious actress, you guys. Look at that point. And those eyes! Eyes that scream "REMEMBER HOW I WAS IN THE SMURFS?!?"


Today's performance of Millimeter Peter will be played by...FourFour.com's Rich Juzwiak?


Holy shit, Katy Perry SLAMS the locket down on his desk in a defiant move that says "you are SO out of my life!" The only thing left for me to do is pretend to rage drive!"


"OH YEAH, RAGE DRIVING!!!" Also, I don't advocate actually watching this piece of shit video because, doye, it will leave you with barely two brain cells left to rub together, but you NEED to watch it for the part where Katy Perry rage drives. The car is CLEARLY on a trailer being driven down a street, but her hands are jerking the steering wheel back and forth, like how little kids do on those toy steering wheels. The only thing missing is Katy Perry making vroom vroom noises and begging for a ziploc of Goldfish crackers.


Katy ends up at - god knows where - I don't give a shit. A convenience store I suppose. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Nothing in this steaming pile of cat turds matters. But she sees a bulletin board with a bumper sticker (a bumper sticker???) for the Marines. The best are all the fake ads around it. My personal favourite is in the bottom left, the green crumpled piece of paper that say HANDYMEN. Or Indymen? Or Andymeu? and then 7 numbers. "Hey, are you looking for a Handyman on a cork board at the Circle K? Call me! I'm HANDYMEN! 1-310-821! I can fix anything!"


With acting skills like these, I think we've found the perfect Emmy for a 2012 Mannequin reboot.


In one of the video's most confusing scenes, Katy Perry knowingly looks at a Marines  bumper sticker (that has like, no information on it), runs to her car, hauls out a duffel bag from her trunk (like, really hauls out. She looked like a fucking garbage man) and sets up in the gas station bathroom. I'll let that sink in for a second. Someone who looks like that is living out of her car (???) and thinks nothing of hanging out in a gas station. Look, it's already been established this is during the day, during a work week, and Katy Perry is just chilling like a villain at the 7-11. Katy Perry is either a murderous criminal drifter, or just a lazy, jobless sack of shit.


Easily the best scene is when Katy Perry cuts off her wig. It's so melodramatic and terrible, I watched it twice (I missed a lot of stuff the first time because I was laughing too hard). This scene was some Extreme Makeover: Talentless Moron Edition fuckery.


After she cuts off her hair (WHY) she wraps down her chichis with some old mummy costume from Halloween. There is literally no reason why she would need to bind her boobs. This isn't 1968; you don't need to Victor/Victoria your ass to get into the service. Also, where did she get all these supplies from?? Katy Perry's carrying around some broke-ass poor-man's Mary poppins carpet bag that contains scissors and bandages and...


Eminem's hoodie from 8 Mile. It's so weird, because the whole time I'm like "you can cut your hair and tape down your boobs all you want, Katy Perry, but I still don't think you're taking this decision to join the Marines seriously" and then she throws up that hood and I'm like "OMG I WAS SO WRONG"


It's a good thing you cut off all your hair, because it's not like you couldn't have just pulled it back like EVERYONE ELSE. Doesn't she look like 'Riding the Bus with My Sister'? Her face in this shot is priceless; she's so DURRRRRRR. Katy, learn from Simple Jack - everyone know you don't go full retard.


There's an extensive montage of Katy Perry going all GI Jane on us. This is seriously the face of a person who has never held a gun in their life. She makes the least convincing marine. Who the hell was the on-set weapons trainer for this shoot? The guy who trained Jessica Simpson in Major Movie Star?


My nightmares now have a new gif, and that is Katy Perry climbing down a ladder like a spider monkey.


My question is this: did they pad her midsection in this video, because she looks like she's wearing one of Beyonce's spare fat suits. When did Katy Perry have that much gut? That's a husky woman. Oh shit, I think I got it! They superimposed her face over an actual Marine, since we all know Katy Perry is too dumb to handle the rope wall herself. Look at that face! If that isn't the definition of DURR, then I don't know what is.


And the award for the most pathetic, clumsy way to hold a weapon in a shot goes to...Katy Perry stabbing at a dummy with a bayonet. I mean, obviously this isn't Full Metal Jacket or anything, but it felt like a kindergarten play about 'Nam.


To remind us why Katy Perry is ACTING FOR HER LIFE! we get an over-the-shoulder shot of a letter that basically says "bla bla bla letter from back home stating obvious that someone misses you". In case you think it's from her boyfriend, I'll remind you that the only people who write letters in pencil on lined paper are elementary school children. Ergo, we have evidence that Katy Perry is maintaining correspondence with an 8-year-old boy, ipso facto, Katy Perry is Pedobear.


Then she's all "Hey, remember when I was wearing that shitty wig? Me too LOL"


In case you've been wondering What the Hell Happened to Lori Petty? Just kidding. Although I wouldn't put it past Katy Perry and her dumbass bff Rihanna to put what's left of their coagulated brains together and think up a terrible Tank Girl-themed video. In case you're wondering, both of these skeezers should be playing kangaroo people.


Oh boy, have I ever wanted someone to get caught in the line of fire...KIDDING (am I?) All her faces in this video are either dead-eyes/mouth-agape or AARRGH PUSHING OUT A SHIT.


Oh fuck. For real?


God damn it. Someone needs to be fired for this. This is so embarrassing and stupid. She's in basic training. She's been in the Marines for like, a week. No one else is wearing cammo makeup. WHY in the FUCK is she putting on sniper makeup?? For fucks sakes people, someone sat down with an artist and storyboarded this out. SOMEONE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH. This was an idea. Someone got paid too much money for this.


Lastly we get some eye-rollingly bad shots of Katy Perry dancing like a spastic used-car-dealership windsock man under an American flag. Quick! Someone let the flag touch the ground so it has to be burned (assuming everything under the flag is destroyed too).


She was dancing like Nell, from the movie Nell (aka like a feral child who grew up in the woods aka NOT WELL).


The end shot is Katy Perry pulling out SERIOUS ACTOR FACE to show us all that she's not like the girl she was in the beginning! Which was...uh...gas station girl? Girl who used to take baths with her boyfriend? Girl who didn't seem to have a job, and was emotionally unstable to approach her philandering boyfriend at his place of work (very classy, by the way. Nothing say "mature enough to be in a stable, adult relationship" like changing into your partner's office and throwing a hissy fit in front of his peers. ME ME ME!! ALL EYES ON ME! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!!) The end game here is that Katy is now mature and, like, totally above all the bullshit and lies, you know? For real. Man, she's so smart. This was the most poignant, deepest music video of 2012. Oh wait, sorry, did I say poignant? I meant piece of crap. This video was like a visual representation of all the junk they pull out of the homes on Hoarders. Tons of stinky flat cats in this one, all set for the 1-800-GOT-JUNK truck. Let's be honest for a second (HA) Katy Perry can't act worth shit. I've seen better acting in a Stanley Steamer commercial (from the dog, as he's dragging his ass across the carpet). I know they just repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell, but do you think someone could institute Don't Let You Act, because this is bringing hundreds of years of shame to the Marines. And soldiers. And people. And anyone with eyes who had to watch this shit for 3 minutes. Oh boy Katy, please stop starring in your own 3-minute short films and hire actors so you can stick to what you're good at (bahahahaha NOTHING!!!)

The Shittiest Easter Candy

I love Easter time. I love how much candy is available. I don't mind telling you that I normally gorge myself on caramel-marshmallow eggs and Creme Eggs. My sugar spikes so high I actually consider keeping 9-1-1 on speed dial. Anyways, when I was in 'Murrica a few weeks ago, I thought I'd take a walk through Target to see if I couldn't find any grotesque American Easter candy. Stuff like Cookies n' Creme Doritos (in pastel colours!) and the like. I spent a good 15 minutes scouring the snack aisle, but was getting frustrated. I couldn't find any Easter candy in the candy aisle, which I thought was really odd. I left candy and snacks and started meandering.

I went wandering and found a 'seasonal' section that was, I'm not kidding you, 4 aisles of candy. 4 aisles. Do you understand how many bags of pastel M&Ms that is? Too many. I thought it would be fun to have my own Easter Bunny hunt and try to find the grossest bag of Easter candy. As it turns out, I didn't need to look very far. Ladies and gentlemen, please help yourselves to some Brach's Black Jelly Bird Eggs.



Here are my thoughts:
1. These aren't jelly beans. They're "Jelly Bird Eggs". They've tried to make these Easter-y I guess? Springtime? Make them bird eggs?
2. This doesn't read as "bird eggs that are jelly". It reads as "eggs that are from the elusive Jelly Bird". Which sounds straight-up gross.
3. THEY'RE BLACK. Black is not an Easter colour. It's Halloween, and maaaaybe Goth Day (when is Goth Day? Every day for your sullen teenage nephew. PS - Halloween is his Christmas).
4. I don't think there has ever been a child alive or dead that likes black jellybeans.

This is just a terrible Easter candy. A bag of all-black jelly beans. Ugh. Good one Brach's, you lazy sons of bitches. Don't ever make these again, okay?

3.13.2012

New American Cereals

I feel like I've been crossing the border an awful lot lately, and thankfully I've been going to a lot of Targets and grocery stores. Oh, I've been doing other things too, but the highlight is always taking a look at what my 'Murrican neighbors are eating. It's fascinating. I always feel like Nell (from the movie Nell) wandering into town from the forest when I walk down the cereal aisle. So many new colours! Look at this, cereal made from pudding! Alright, let's see what blew my mind this time.



Frosted Toast Crunch. Okay? Here's the disconnect: Cinnamon Toast Crunch is supposed to be like cinnamon toast. French Toast Crunch is supposed to be like french toast. Frosted Toast Crunch is...frosted toast? What the hell is frosted toast? Toast dipped in sugar? I don't know. Just call it Frosted Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Sweet Toast Crunch. "Hey mom! Skip the pancakes, I want frosted toast this morning! What's frosted toast, you ask? Toast you've dipped in cake icing, you fool! Now MUSH! Make that icing!! Frost that toast! H'yah! Whoah fella, take it easy. We'll get through this toast-frosting together."

Another toast-like product, but this isn't anything to make fun of. General Mills has re-released a bunch of cereals (Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Count Chocula, Honey Nut Cheerios, Original Recipe Cheerios) in their original (or at least 1970s) product packages. I really wish we could see more retro packaging. Take a look at the Frosted Toast Crunch box up there and then look at this. Seriously? Way cuter.



Yep, that's it. Just wanted to look at the box. I almost bought it too, but then I remembered that it's just Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and that it is plentiful and delicious in Canada.


Life Strawberry Crunchtime and Apple Cinnamon Crunchtime. I wasn't sure what to make of these. I mean, can we even call it Life cereal if it's not woven multigrain squares? Life cereal squres, in my opinion, are little DIY wicker placemats for Barbie dolls. These look nothing like something you would set Barbie's table with. I don't see why Life decided to go ahead and roll these out. They're not really promoting the benefits of its health or nutrition, and it's nothing new (there are a million apple cinnamon cereals on the market). Life's reputation is the whole "kids like it, moms like it too" kind of feel-good bullshit, but Life isn't that healthy. When you break it down, it's a low-fibre cereal with an awful lot of sugar for something you think is "good for you". I don't predict a long shelf-life for the Crunchtime cereals. Maybe it's just me though; I see cereal as falling in to one of two toilets. Cereal is either very healthy and low-fat and delicious when you sprinkle it on yogurt and full of raisins and nuts and grains and you need to add honey or sugar because it's very bland, but will move everything out of your bowels, so you win at breakfast OR cereal is a pressed square/circle/animal shape that is covered in sugar or flavour powder or cocoa or candy and is mixed in with marshmallows or flavour pockets or toys or secret glitter or colours that make your milk turn neon or silver. Healthy or hate-food. Nothing in between. My choices are Cheerios or Marshmallow AlphaBits with Added Sucralose. Moving on. I need to talk about Cheerios.

What in the fuck is up with Cheerios lately.

I've written previously about how Cheerios cereal has grown disgusting flavoured heads like a morbidly obese Cerberus. I honestly wasn't sure it would get any worse than Chocolate Cheerios. That, to me, felt like the biggest flipped-bird in the cereal aisle. Cheerios is such a perfectly simple cereal; if I had to do a comparison to something else, it might be Cheerios:cereal as Oreos:cookies. You can't beat them. They're healthy, easy to eat, mildly sweet in a grainy way. The only way to make them a little tastier is Honey Nut Cheerios. Hell, I'll even give them Apple Cinnamon Cheerios (even those aren't that good, but they manage to be simple and delicious enough). Multigrain Cheerios? Okay, fine. But if you're that concerned with health and multiple grains in your breakfast, just go nuts on a piece of whole wheat toast instead. Then we got Fruity Cheerios (aka Broke-ass Froot Loops). When they got bored of that shit, they forced Banana Nut Cheerios on us (which my sister passionately advocates. I, on the other hand, maintain they taste like childrens flu medicine).

So I found that Cheerios has birthed two new cereal offerings, thus confirming the fact that General Mills has made some kind of unholy Rosemary's Baby-like pact with the devil.



First up is Peanut Butter Multigrain Cheerios. In case you didn't notice, they're NEW. No shit, huh. Let me get this out of the way: I hate how Cheerios is trying ti market themselves as Cereal 4 Skinnies. NEWSFLASH: all cereal is low in fat and calories. Cereal is like, 200 calories a bowl. Even Lucky Charms. Even that shit Krave (and it has chocolate filling). So seriously Cheerios, stop acting like eating Peanut Butter Cheerios is going to put you in a bikini. The kind of people who will buy Peanut Butter Cheerios are also the kind of people who are going to eat 3 bowls on the couch while screaming at Maury Povitch on the television (am I in my underwear too? I'll leave that up to your imagination. Spoiler alert: it's a trick question, I'm in sweatpants). Alright, enough grandstanding. Would Peanut Butter Cheerios be the worst? Probably not. But they do remind me of Captain Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch cereal, and that sort of makes you hate yourself when you eat it, so...is this the KFC Famous Bowl of the cereal aisle? Not quite. But our next offender, however...


You're looking at this, right? These are Dulce de Leche Cheerios. In the event you're not familiar with your sugar-based sauces, Dulce de Leche is cooked sweetened condensed milk. It's a very milky caramel sauce. THIS IS CARAMEL CEREAL. In case I cannot make this any more clear to you, this cereal is essentially caramel corn. This is Caramel Swirl Ice Cream. This is Halloween Candy for breakfast. Oh, naturally flavored you say? Thank god! I'd hate to know that my caramel-covered Cheerios are fake. Fuck me, was this cereal created by Paula Deen? Is this some kind of social experiment by Morgan Spurlock or something? Jesus Christ. And yet they stole Frosted Cheerios away from us like some jackass Patrick Bateman. "A-Ha-Ha! You poor loser. Look at you scramble for your Frosted Cheerios like a rat". Look, General Mills, if you're covering Cheerios with chocolate and peanut butter and FUCKING CARAMEL then at least bring back Frosted Cheerios PLEASE.

3.07.2012

The first Easter Peeps of 2012!

Hey everyone! So as you know by my last post, I was in 'Murrica just a short while ago. I bought many delicious food stuffs, mostly candy. But one thing in particular I was saving till I could get good and ready to review it! And that thing is...drumroll please...


The Peeps Crispy Rice Marshmallow Treat! Now available at finer stores near you (laughs laughs, wipes tears from eyes, I think I bought this one at a gas station or a Walgreens. Actually, scratch that. I bought this adorable, puffy, rice-and-marshmallow-filled bunny at CVS). Luckily I'm going to 'Murrica again this weekend, because there are so many wonderful Easter candy offerings on the market right now. As you all know, I follow the Peep product line like Davy Jones followed Whitney up to Heaven (Too soon? Not soon enough? Not relevant? Exactly). I receive weekly emails from the good people at JustBorn and Peeps and eagerly anticipate what they'll do each Easter season to thrill those of us who wait like good children for the eve that Zombie Jesus emerges from the tomb. Last year I was very impressed with one food stuff in particular: the Peeps chocolate-covered marshmallow chick. They came in milk and dark varieties, and the inside marshmallow was a soft, smooth yellow lump. I was just astounded at how yummy they were. I will definitely be going back to buy more, since we STILL don't have those in Canada. I won't, however, be buying any Original Recipe chicks, since I still have TWO FULL BOXES of Christmas Trees and Snowmen left over from Christmas. I should get to those first (This just in! Your ass says you really don't need them).


Okay, so here is what I saw when I opened the mylar package. I knew it was going to be blue, but this is some bright Nicki Minaj wig blue. Like, bright bright. I was sure that Victorian-era street urchins would look at me and go "Eer ya go mum, lemme try that for ya. And whiles I'm at it, you want me to go into the mine and see if the canary is still alive?" I have neon nail polish that looks at this and goes "SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE JUST CANDY". Also I love that it is in no way shaped like a bunny. Maybe the shape of the bunny at the end of Fatal Attraction, but no bunnies I've ever seen. So in the event you're still looking at this and thinking to yourself "Wait, so this is a mass-produced consumer item?" I'll describe what we're looking at. It's a crispy rice bunny held together with turquoise marshmallow-sugar-syrup, sprinkled with bunny-shaped candy sprinkles. HAPPY EASTER?

 

It's not tremendously large; it's a decent sized serving, akin to a large Rice Krispy square (oh, there's a Canadian thing! In 'Murrica, you usually call them "Rice Krispy Treats" or "Crispy Rice Treats" or Marshmallow Treats" but in Canada, we ALWAYS call them Rice Krispy Squares. Always. Doesn't matter the brand of crispy rice, or what cereal is used. If I use Golden Grahams, I still call them "Rice Krispy Squares with Golden Grahams". The more you know!) When I bit into it, I was fully expecting a stale, puffy, crunchy mouthful. Instead it was soft, sticky, pulled apart easily, easy to chew. This was very fresh - it tasted like my mom just made it (although my mother would be dissgrossted if I ever suggested she make these). 

 

Lastly, I need to describe what these tasted like. I was ready to barf. I tried it near my kitchen sink. I like gross things, but not gross food. I have a very limited palate. Eh, not really when it comes to candy though. I'll eat most anything. Anyways, I was sure I wasn't going to like this. It smelled extremely artificial, like a birthday cake factory explosion. And yet it tasted like...vanilla? Sprinkles? It was good! I ate it all, and have been contemplating going to a drug store/Target and buying another (or 10). I really liked it. It's not Peeps by any stretch of the imagination, but it was delicious and marshmallowy and artifical and candy-like. Look, we'll put it this way: I fully expected to hate the Peeps Crispy Rice Marshmallow Treat, it turned out to be good, and I thought I'd be head-over-heels in love with Birthday Cake-flavoured Oreos, and I just about spat those into the trash. SO GROSS. They were like an oily birthday cake discharge. It was the food equivalent to Rihanna and Chris Brown's vocal masterpiece Birthday Cake. Point is, don't buy them if you like your tooth enamel, because all of it will be gone about 4-6 minutes after eating Birthday Cake Oreos.