New American Cereals

I feel like I've been crossing the border an awful lot lately, and thankfully I've been going to a lot of Targets and grocery stores. Oh, I've been doing other things too, but the highlight is always taking a look at what my 'Murrican neighbors are eating. It's fascinating. I always feel like Nell (from the movie Nell) wandering into town from the forest when I walk down the cereal aisle. So many new colours! Look at this, cereal made from pudding! Alright, let's see what blew my mind this time.

Frosted Toast Crunch. Okay? Here's the disconnect: Cinnamon Toast Crunch is supposed to be like cinnamon toast. French Toast Crunch is supposed to be like french toast. Frosted Toast Crunch is...frosted toast? What the hell is frosted toast? Toast dipped in sugar? I don't know. Just call it Frosted Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Sweet Toast Crunch. "Hey mom! Skip the pancakes, I want frosted toast this morning! What's frosted toast, you ask? Toast you've dipped in cake icing, you fool! Now MUSH! Make that icing!! Frost that toast! H'yah! Whoah fella, take it easy. We'll get through this toast-frosting together."

Another toast-like product, but this isn't anything to make fun of. General Mills has re-released a bunch of cereals (Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Count Chocula, Honey Nut Cheerios, Original Recipe Cheerios) in their original (or at least 1970s) product packages. I really wish we could see more retro packaging. Take a look at the Frosted Toast Crunch box up there and then look at this. Seriously? Way cuter.

Yep, that's it. Just wanted to look at the box. I almost bought it too, but then I remembered that it's just Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and that it is plentiful and delicious in Canada.

Life Strawberry Crunchtime and Apple Cinnamon Crunchtime. I wasn't sure what to make of these. I mean, can we even call it Life cereal if it's not woven multigrain squares? Life cereal squres, in my opinion, are little DIY wicker placemats for Barbie dolls. These look nothing like something you would set Barbie's table with. I don't see why Life decided to go ahead and roll these out. They're not really promoting the benefits of its health or nutrition, and it's nothing new (there are a million apple cinnamon cereals on the market). Life's reputation is the whole "kids like it, moms like it too" kind of feel-good bullshit, but Life isn't that healthy. When you break it down, it's a low-fibre cereal with an awful lot of sugar for something you think is "good for you". I don't predict a long shelf-life for the Crunchtime cereals. Maybe it's just me though; I see cereal as falling in to one of two toilets. Cereal is either very healthy and low-fat and delicious when you sprinkle it on yogurt and full of raisins and nuts and grains and you need to add honey or sugar because it's very bland, but will move everything out of your bowels, so you win at breakfast OR cereal is a pressed square/circle/animal shape that is covered in sugar or flavour powder or cocoa or candy and is mixed in with marshmallows or flavour pockets or toys or secret glitter or colours that make your milk turn neon or silver. Healthy or hate-food. Nothing in between. My choices are Cheerios or Marshmallow AlphaBits with Added Sucralose. Moving on. I need to talk about Cheerios.

What in the fuck is up with Cheerios lately.

I've written previously about how Cheerios cereal has grown disgusting flavoured heads like a morbidly obese Cerberus. I honestly wasn't sure it would get any worse than Chocolate Cheerios. That, to me, felt like the biggest flipped-bird in the cereal aisle. Cheerios is such a perfectly simple cereal; if I had to do a comparison to something else, it might be Cheerios:cereal as Oreos:cookies. You can't beat them. They're healthy, easy to eat, mildly sweet in a grainy way. The only way to make them a little tastier is Honey Nut Cheerios. Hell, I'll even give them Apple Cinnamon Cheerios (even those aren't that good, but they manage to be simple and delicious enough). Multigrain Cheerios? Okay, fine. But if you're that concerned with health and multiple grains in your breakfast, just go nuts on a piece of whole wheat toast instead. Then we got Fruity Cheerios (aka Broke-ass Froot Loops). When they got bored of that shit, they forced Banana Nut Cheerios on us (which my sister passionately advocates. I, on the other hand, maintain they taste like childrens flu medicine).

So I found that Cheerios has birthed two new cereal offerings, thus confirming the fact that General Mills has made some kind of unholy Rosemary's Baby-like pact with the devil.

First up is Peanut Butter Multigrain Cheerios. In case you didn't notice, they're NEW. No shit, huh. Let me get this out of the way: I hate how Cheerios is trying ti market themselves as Cereal 4 Skinnies. NEWSFLASH: all cereal is low in fat and calories. Cereal is like, 200 calories a bowl. Even Lucky Charms. Even that shit Krave (and it has chocolate filling). So seriously Cheerios, stop acting like eating Peanut Butter Cheerios is going to put you in a bikini. The kind of people who will buy Peanut Butter Cheerios are also the kind of people who are going to eat 3 bowls on the couch while screaming at Maury Povitch on the television (am I in my underwear too? I'll leave that up to your imagination. Spoiler alert: it's a trick question, I'm in sweatpants). Alright, enough grandstanding. Would Peanut Butter Cheerios be the worst? Probably not. But they do remind me of Captain Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch cereal, and that sort of makes you hate yourself when you eat it, so...is this the KFC Famous Bowl of the cereal aisle? Not quite. But our next offender, however...

You're looking at this, right? These are Dulce de Leche Cheerios. In the event you're not familiar with your sugar-based sauces, Dulce de Leche is cooked sweetened condensed milk. It's a very milky caramel sauce. THIS IS CARAMEL CEREAL. In case I cannot make this any more clear to you, this cereal is essentially caramel corn. This is Caramel Swirl Ice Cream. This is Halloween Candy for breakfast. Oh, naturally flavored you say? Thank god! I'd hate to know that my caramel-covered Cheerios are fake. Fuck me, was this cereal created by Paula Deen? Is this some kind of social experiment by Morgan Spurlock or something? Jesus Christ. And yet they stole Frosted Cheerios away from us like some jackass Patrick Bateman. "A-Ha-Ha! You poor loser. Look at you scramble for your Frosted Cheerios like a rat". Look, General Mills, if you're covering Cheerios with chocolate and peanut butter and FUCKING CARAMEL then at least bring back Frosted Cheerios PLEASE.

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