The Shittiest Easter Candy

I love Easter time. I love how much candy is available. I don't mind telling you that I normally gorge myself on caramel-marshmallow eggs and Creme Eggs. My sugar spikes so high I actually consider keeping 9-1-1 on speed dial. Anyways, when I was in 'Murrica a few weeks ago, I thought I'd take a walk through Target to see if I couldn't find any grotesque American Easter candy. Stuff like Cookies n' Creme Doritos (in pastel colours!) and the like. I spent a good 15 minutes scouring the snack aisle, but was getting frustrated. I couldn't find any Easter candy in the candy aisle, which I thought was really odd. I left candy and snacks and started meandering.

I went wandering and found a 'seasonal' section that was, I'm not kidding you, 4 aisles of candy. 4 aisles. Do you understand how many bags of pastel M&Ms that is? Too many. I thought it would be fun to have my own Easter Bunny hunt and try to find the grossest bag of Easter candy. As it turns out, I didn't need to look very far. Ladies and gentlemen, please help yourselves to some Brach's Black Jelly Bird Eggs.

Here are my thoughts:
1. These aren't jelly beans. They're "Jelly Bird Eggs". They've tried to make these Easter-y I guess? Springtime? Make them bird eggs?
2. This doesn't read as "bird eggs that are jelly". It reads as "eggs that are from the elusive Jelly Bird". Which sounds straight-up gross.
3. THEY'RE BLACK. Black is not an Easter colour. It's Halloween, and maaaaybe Goth Day (when is Goth Day? Every day for your sullen teenage nephew. PS - Halloween is his Christmas).
4. I don't think there has ever been a child alive or dead that likes black jellybeans.

This is just a terrible Easter candy. A bag of all-black jelly beans. Ugh. Good one Brach's, you lazy sons of bitches. Don't ever make these again, okay?


Anonymous said...

Good Friday candy.

R.J. London said...

First mistake: shopping in Target for strange snacks/candy. Much too middle-class- try Wal-mart!