4.03.2012

I was on a juice cleanse! It was terrific! Sorry, did I say terrific? I meant bullshit.


After reading what felt like a million posts on xojane about juice cleanses, my friend Lj and I decided to go on a 3-day juice cleanse. Aw, fuck it, let's be honest - it's a juice fast. The only food you eat are your fingernails after you've nervously chewed them all off from starvation anxiety. So people can call it a detox or a cleanse or a refresh, but it's essentially liquid starvation. Here's how it works:

- For 3 days, all you eat and drink is juice. No food. Just juice.
- You get to drink 6 water-bottle sized juices per day.
- Everything you eat needs to fit in the juicer (except for things like bananas that go in the blender)
- You drink 5 types of juice: Green (kale, spinach, apples, kiwi, banana), pineapple-apple-mint, beet-carrot-apple, lemonade (lemons, cayenne pepper, maple syrup, water. This sounds familiar to you? That's because it's the stupid liquid diet Beyonce went on to lose weight for Dreamgirls. I know, I'm rolling my eyes too, don't worry) and cashew milk.
- Let me explain cashew milk to you for a second. First, you need to soak raw cashews in water for 2 hours till they're flaccid. Then you put them in a blender with water and grind them up till it looks like dog food. Then you blend in a banana. When you're done, it should look like fake vomit from You Can't Do That On Television.
- If you want to cheat, you can eat a fruit. One fruit. MAKE IT A GOOD ONE.

So my friend and I bought tons of produce and fruits and juiced for like 3 hours. We bottled everything in the same-size water bottle and got really excited for the prospect of looking like 90-lb models. I was very excited. Juicing is fun! My skin will be so radiant!! I will have energy to burn!


The Night Before
I went home and put all my juice into the fridge and watched it for about 3 minutes. I just sat there, crouched down, looking at it. I wasn't sure what I was expecting; I know that it wasn't going to start talking to me. But I suppose I just wanted to make sure I was serious about it. It finally dawned on me that I wasn't going to chew anything for the next 3 days, and that all the food in my fridge was going to spoil, so I ate all the cheese in my fridge. I sat on my couch eating slice after slice of havarti while watching Metropia.

Day 1, Morning
I had a dental appointment at 8am, so I had to wait forever for my first juice. By the time I cracked my first juice, the taste of orange fluoride on my teeth was so vile that a water bottle of gasoline would have tasted delicious. I drank the green juice really quickly (because it was delicious) and I felt pretty full. It wasn't the worst. I followed it up with a bottle of water, then peed twice.

Day 1, Lunchtime
I thought this would be difficult, since I work in an office and everyone makes their lunch right near my desk, but it was fine. I think I was satiated by my smug sense of health. "Oh, just so you know, I'm only drinking fruits and vegetables, so have fun on your white-bread-and-pasta death bed." Trust me, this lasts all of 3 hours. I think this might just be a symptom of exhaustion, because I was FUCKING TIRED. I was so sleepy, that I had to be careful of blinking, so as to not keep my eyes closed for too long.

Day 1, Afternoon
Around 3:00pm I start to get a crazy headache. Like, migraine crazy. All I wanted to do was take a nap on someone's couch or under my desk or on the toilet. It was NUTS. It didn't help that I was super exhausted and barely able to focus.  I felt like I wanted to fight someone.

Day 1, Evening
After work I walked home while drinking the cashew milk. It was so unbelievable. I cannot describe to you how gross it was. It was like drinking almond butter. A cup and a half of almond butter. It was so thick, it felt like I was swallowing vomit. It tasted sort of like vomit, so this wasn't helpful at all. The whole time I was walking home I was freezing. The minute I got home, I crawled into bed and watched Little House on the Prairie. I went to sleep at 10:30pm.

Day 1 Verdict: I feel like I have a really bad cold and my body is shutting down. My skin looks terrible and my head is killing me.


Day 2, Morning
I woke up at 8am, unbelievably tired. There is no reason why I should have been so sleepy; I slept like a baby. Oh, maybe because my body is starving itself? YES.
I got to work and treated myself to a green juice that looked like sludge and tasted like kiwi skin (which...major truth...wasn't the worst).

Day 2, Lunchtime
Oh boy, what I wouldn't do for lasagna. My desire for lasagna is second only for my desire for a nap. I'm super tired. Oh, and the juices are already boring me. I eat an apple and give people an indignant SO WHAT face.

Day 2, Afternoon
I've cheated again, this time with a whole wheat cracker. DEAL WITH IT. It tasted so good. It instantly made me feel calm (I think I have food issues). Regardless, my legs didn't feel like feathers anymore.
UPDATE: I had another. It was delicious.

Day 2 Verdict: I don't feel as much like shit as I did yesterday, but I do have a headache that wont go away. My skin still looks weird, but my stomach isn't as bloated as it usually is, so...that's good? Also someone told me my face looks thinner. THINNNNERRR!!!!

Day 3, Morning
Last night I juiced the rest of my fruits and veggies, but mixed up the order and recipes. Gone was the cashew slop. Goodbye too-sweet beet juice. Hello apple juice and pineapple juice and one I like to call "Mixed Bag". I drank a bunch of apple juices in the morning and it made me feel great!

Day 3, Lunchtime
Guess who's unable to focus on their computer monitor? Oh, I dunno, maybe Ray Charles over here. I had two crackers to get me through a pressing set of emails, then washed them down with a pineapple juice. My vision was restored! Hurray! My blood sugar, on the other hand....

Day 3, Afternoon
You know when you're able to smell your own breath? Like you get secret whiffs of it here and there and you're like "whoah, that's definitely from me"? I did that today twice but couldn't put my finger on what my breath smelled like. Then it hit me: OLD PEOPLE BREATH.

Day 3 Verdict: This day was alright since I threw caution to the wind and made my own schedule, which was: Drink a juice when you're thirsty, pray for the sweet hand of death when you're done. My hands were really clammy today and a friend told me they felt like what he'd imagine Stephen Hawking's hands felt like. So you're saying I feel like a genius, eh?

OVERALL VERDICT
This juice cleanse was one of the dumbest things I've ever done. Whenever people say that juicing gives them energy or their skin is luminous like the moon and stars or that juicing makes them feel spiritual and one with god or allah or Hanukkah Harry or whatever is a total bullshit liar. They were probably healthy to begin with. But for someone like me (who, no less than 10 minutes ago Tweeted Taco Bell Canada to ask when we're getting Dorito-shell tacos) juicing is a pain in the ass and a total shock to the system. What, if anything, did I learn from this? Well, two things:
1. I need more vegetables in my diet, if for nothing more than interesting-coloured poo.
2. I love shitty food. DEAL WITH IT.

Look, we're all going to die. I know, your precious little heart can barely take it. But you need to realize that you will die. And soon. And it's not going to be pretty. Whether you treated your body like a temple or gang-banged McDonalds every day, you're going to end up the same. Dead. Oh sure, McDonalds might put you in the grave a little earlier; then again, you might be a vegan who didn't install your carbon monoxide detector properly and die at 46. The point is, you don't know how long you're going to live. There's no sense in worrying if your ass is getting fatter or your hair is thinning. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a very cold Diet Coke waiting for me in the fridge that I must drink.