Breaking Bad Season 5 Predictions with Tom and The Mayor

I will start off by saying that Sunday night is a big deal for TV nerds. If you didn't know this already, then maybe I should direct you to another website, because this post is going to bore you to tears. With that being said, if you do care but aren't terribly informed, then stop reading this, go download Seasons 1-4 of AMC's Breaking Bad, and then come back and read the rest of this post. Believe me; it won't be a waste of time. Alright, moving on. I should mention that this post might contain super-spoilery material and should not be read by anyone who still has yet to finish the 4th season of Breaking Bad (aka My Boyfriend, who needs to get through 9 episodes before Sunday night aka GET ON THAT SHIT, WILL YA??)

So, spoilers below...

Alright, now that that's out of the way. If you're still reading this, then you're probably a Breaking Bad fan. Obviously. It's the best show on television. But just for a second can we talk about how AMC jerks around its shows like the asshole jock boyfriend in a teenage rom-com? Can we stop it with the 1-year hiatus in between seasons?? I shouldn't have to wait a full calendar year to sit and think about what happened to Gus (I SAID SPOILERS!!! It's only gonna get more spoilery from here on out, so stop reading if you haven't seen ep4:13 yet!). And yes, I understand that AMC owes its soul to Jon Hamm (we all do, AMIRITE) but seriously, give us some decent television planning. And DO NOT get me started on this bullshit that Season 5, Part 1 will air 8 episodes this year and Season 5, Part 2 will air the final 8 episodes in like, 2015 or some bullshit like that. Fuck, I'm getting too agitated. MOVING ON. A friend of mine is a massive BB fan, such as myself, so I asked him to give me his predictions for Season 5. I guess you could say Tom went to The Mayor with his predictions. Right? Right? Whatever, 4 or 5 people will get that joke. And with that shitty joke that went over like a lead balloon, here are our predictions for the characters in the 5th Season of Breaking Bad.

Tom: She started to redeem herself with her savvy sense of criminal accounting and helping Walt...who am I kidding? If she comes back with bigger tits (AGAIN) I'll be able to just tune her out. Hopefully she comes up with a better scheme than laundering money through the car wash, because that's uber lame.
The Mayor: I couldn't agree less. Season 4 gave us the most obnoxious Skyler White ever. I hated how she railroaded the carwash owner into selling and then acted like she's Johnny Bigtime Wallstreet. Also she's a shit mom, so we'll probably see more of that later. She's either going to have more plastic surgery this season or have gained more weight. One thing is for sure: she'll spend Season 5 getting on my last fucking nerve.

Tom: She will be neglegted entirely by Hank, and will again resume shoplifting and possibly get addicted to anti depressants.
The Mayor: Marie will finally confront Hank about being a dick by cheating on him in secret and being super passive-aggressive about it. If she picks up shoplifting one more time, then we can come to the conclusion that Vince Gilligan is just fucking with us.

Tom: I assume Hank will team back up with Gomez, and will end the season with the entire Albuquerque DEA squad chasing Walt across the open desert in his awesome shitty brown Aztec (ala Thelma and Louise).
The Mayor: Hank is going to get a sick Rascal that allows him to zip around the DEAs office like a maniac (at least I hope). Oh, and more minerals. ALL THE MINERALS.

Tom: Through unrelated circumstances, Brandon Mayhew (Badger) will return (because he's awesome) and befriend Flynn. Despite the huge age gap, Badger will think Flynn's Chrysler PT Cruiser is the 'coolest' and bum rides throughout the season. Eventually hooking back up with Skinny Pete, the obvious will happen and they'll introduce Flynn to blue crystal meth...and maybe that scabby hooker from the first season?! Flynn will overdose and die on his dad's drug and send a huge moral message to the audience: "Don't mix chilli powder with meth kids!"
The Mayor: Flynn will spend all 16 episodes of Season 5 asking "What's for breakfast?" and struggling to get the word "Dad" out in less than 9 syllables. The end.

Tom: It'll be like the good 'ol days. He'll team up with Hank again, they'll fight the baddies, they'll eat lots of Los Pollos Hermanos (even though we're not sure who the new CEO is now).
The Mayor: Season 4 gave us a new Gomie, a DERP-ier Gomie, if you will. I'm looking forward to Gomez coming back as a decent cop who wants to solve this shit, instead of the guy walking through the laundromat like "durrrr, me no see anything, must be no drugs here!"

Tom: Aren't they dead? Or are there more? I suspect fragments of Gus's cartel will be hugely pissed off about his passing and will be a constant dangerous threat to Walt's new empire as he tries to rebuild (possibly led by Mike after he recovers in Mexico. See: Mike)
The Mayor: In this world, there are two things we can be certain of: Taxes and Random Mexican Cousins Hell Bent on Revenge. There will always be new cousins (or maybe sons?? Did Tuco sire any sons?)

Tom: Mike will have recovered in Mexico and learned of Walt's hit on Gus using Tio (LOL) and rally the remaining scattered portions of the cartel. I believe he will be Walt's next biggest conflict.
The Mayor: Mike is easily one of my favourite characters on this show (second only to Saul). I have a feeling that Mike, knowing it's either him or Walt, will start working for Walt. Although...given the past atmosphere, I feel like Mike's alliance is with Jesse.

Tom: Oh fuck! No question...he will have less hair and be more awesome. Maybe he'll take over Ted Benneke's business now that he's dead. I doubt we will return to the lazer tag thing (even though that's more his style) I just hope we see more of him than season 4 :(
The Mayor: His rug will be so amazing, I just know it. His suits will be more colourful and flashy. I hope he gives Skyler the finger. By the end of the Series, he will 100% be dead (shot or murdered). I don't see things ending well for Saul Goodman.

Tom: She'll hook up with the group leader from the drug rehab meetings (the blonde annoying dude with glasses), it'll be so nasty we won't want to think about it.
The Mayor: She's going to fuck Saul. The end.

Tom: They'll try to repair their friendship with Jesse, but he's too involved now and won't have time for them. Angry with the rejection, they come up with an elaborate plan to get Walt's son addicted to Meth in the hopes that he'll OD.
The Mayor: Holy shit, are you kidding me?? I don't think they're that evil. They'll probably just plan an out-of-control party that attracts tons of skids who leave pizza all over the floor.

Tom: Haha, 'Andrea'...she might be back, hopefully she'll have taken that money Jesse left her with and she'll have sexed herself up a bit more and done something about her rats nest hair. 2/10 - would not bang. Brock will be in college by now; it won't make sense because the time lapse between Season 4 to Season 5 will only have been a few weeks but due to AMC's budget cuts they won't have the funds to write Brock back into the story.
The Mayor: Brock will be a wise-cracking 10-year-old. Or a gun-toting 10-year-old. Or working at Los Pollos as a fry cook. Or getting high off Lily of the Valley. Andrea will still be badgering Jesse into fatherhood, even though Brock isn't his son, and will flip-flop between smoking meth and getting all up in our faces about how she's such a good mother and not a neglectful drug-addict.

Tom: Bad ass mother fucker! AMC is hinting with promotional material that he now will just be walking into Gus's old shoes and business and even bigger things ("The King"). But I think this entire season is going to be another struggle for Walt. Nothing will come easily, dealers won't accept him as a new boss, etc. He will repair his partnership with Jesse but it will be fragile at best. OBVIOUSLY the cancer will return. Amirite?
The Mayor: This ain't yo mama's Walter White. This is a new Walter White! A hateful, spiteful, asshole of a man who is willing to kill children in order to become a small-town drug czar. Because, let's for a second remember that it's not like he's a Colombian cocaine drug kingpin. He's the most successful methamphetamine dealer in New Mexico. That's right! Not California. Not Texas. Not New York. New Mexico (Population: 2 Million. Which is less than the population of Toronto, Canada. Think about that for a second). I believe that Walter White will die at the end of the series at the hands of Hank. I have always believed this. Hank will think he's got Heisenberg, he realizes it's Walt, is so embarrassed that he had him under his nose the whole time, realizes he's evil, and shoots him. Or Jesse might kill him too. Either way, Walt better not buy any green bananas.

Tom: Jesse will be the one really running the show. He will slowly undergo an entire makeover be all about the money. WE probably won't see him in the lab anymore. I imagine him not keeping a low enough profile, but splashing out cash on fancy suites instead.
The Mayor: Jesse will look up to Mike as a father figure, since his old father figure (Walt) is a major dead-beat. Mike will encourage him to leave. He will get him the cash he needs to start a new life away from New Mexico. He'll pursue writing or comic books or something. I don't want to know what he does with Jane's picture of Apology Girl at night (ew).