8.08.2013

Driving Across Murrica

DAY 1
We crossed the border between Sarnia, Ontario and Port Huron, Michigan in the morning. Obviously the first thing I had to do was go to Cracker Barrel to eat some delicious old tyme trash. We drove a long way and managed to cross the Michigan/Indiana border before the night time. After driving in a car and seeing nothing for 5-7 hours, things get a little stale between yourself and your significant other. I suggest trying to engage your partner in a Will.i.am and Britney Spears sing-a-long. Sometimes it will not be well received (this was the case for myself) but maybe you might have a willing partner who wants to sing the "I wanna scream. And shout. And let it all out" part so you can do the "When we walk into the club. All eyes on us" weird british-accent Britney part. That night we stayed in a state park and turned the back of our car into a little camper. Now, I don't have a picture of this, but you can paint it yourself with your imagination: a Honda FIT and two 6-feet-tall adults sleeping in the back. Luxury! I only tossed and turned about 8000 times.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Michigan vs. Indiana. Well, Michigan was boring as shit (save for all the exploded truck tires littering the highway. That was interesting), and Indiana reminded me a lot of Pawnee, so Indiana takes it. GOOD JOB, INDIANA!

DAY 2
We drove the next morning across the Illinois border. Illinois is nice. Land of Lincoln, right? We stopped at a truck stop and found an old Texan long-haul trucker with a mini Australian Shepherd. I was allowed to pet it and he told me he got lonely in the truck so he decided to get a co-pilot. His daughter convinced him to get a mini Australian and he named her Cheyenne. I DIED. She was so adorable and he loved her. When we were leaving, we saw him in the truck and she was in the passenger seat with her paws on the dashboard. UGH, I'M DYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. Then we drove to Missouri to stop in St. Louis. Time change! We're now an hour behind. I saw buildings for ITT Tech, Everest College, and University of Phoenix all in the same place. The future leaders of tomorrow can be found in St. Louis, apparently. I forgot that Nelly was from St. Louis till we were driving out and I saw his restaurant. I really missed an opportunity to do a city-wide Nelly/St. Lunatics tour. We had dinner at Sonic (America's Drive-in, apparently) and they were so slow, I felt like I needed to go inside and teach them about the concept of a sandwich (bread, meat, sauces, bread. Do it again. Get it right this time. No, cheese doesn't go on top of the bread). That night my boyfriend and I got into a fight over sleeping in the car vs. sleeping in a musty tent, so he got the tent and I got the car. Neither of us slept very well. I'll pretend that's Missouri's fault.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Illinois vs. Missouri. Illinois relies a bit too heavily on the Lincoln shit, but he was the best President, so can you blame them? Missouri felt very banjo/inbred, plus that slow-ass Sonic is the clencher. Illinois is the better state. GOOD JOB, LAND OF LINCOLN.

DAY 3
I woke up that morning to the inbred screams of "THAT'S IT, WE'RE GOING HOME. CATHERINE'S BACK-TALKING ME ALREADY AND CALVIN'S IN THE DIRT. PUT AWAY THE TENTS, I'M DONE". Oh nice, our campsite was beside a redneck family! They had squeezed 3 kids, 3 dogs, a fat-ass mom, jerk redneck mom's new boyfriend (you know when you can just tell?) three tents, paddle boards and swimming shit, two dog pens, coolers for days, chairs, fireworks, cases of Mountain Dew, and 5 sleeping bags into a rusted-ass Dodge Caravan. The Beverly Hillbillies are looking at their car like "shit, I hope you got triple A, cause that car is a fucking mess". We packed up and moved on. The final straw was when I was getting changed and the mom (in a fucking stage whisper) goes "UGH. I can see her bra! This is a FAMILY CAMPGROUND". Oh, I'm sorry that me putting on a shirt insulted your delicate flower eyes. Is now a good time to mention that your kids look like they were born beside a nuke site, or shall I bring up that every time you get in your van you void the warranty (yes, even vans have a weight restriction). That afternoon we drove to Kansas City and took in a ball game. Baseball is fun, so no complaints about that. Kansas City Royals stadium has decent food, I'll say that. Here's the 'but'. The Royals stadium is built way out of town, like between the Suburbs and Mall Central. It's also off the highway. Like, on an off-ramp. And no matter where you sit, your view is of the freeway. Nothing else. Just cars buzzing by, people going to the mall, trucks chugging along the interstate. It's awful. It's like city planners were like "Okay, as you all know, the only lots we got approval for were the old abandoned haunted burial ground and the off-ramp from the interstate. Where do we put this ball diamond?"After that, we skipped across the border to Kansas.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Missouri vs. Kansas. As I've explained before, Missouri is just awful. St. Louis isn't bad - I mean, they're trying. I saw a couple of rainbow flags and there is a great slavery museum (that sounded bad. It's actually an amazing museum dedicated to slavery, Lincoln, prolific slaves, etc. It should really be called the White People Are Terrible, Come See Some Proof That We Suck-museum, but that's too long.) However, the rest of Missouri is a sinkhole, so Kansas takes it. GOOD JOB, FIRST 3 MILES ACROSS THE BORDER KANSAS!

DAY 4
This was a tough day. We drove for 8 hours through Kansas and saw nothing. Remember two seconds ago where I said Kansas was a better state than Missouri? I WAS WRONG. If there was a pie graph of kansas, it would be divided equally between the following:
- Pro-life billboards
- Anti-evolution billboards
- People giving unsolicited advice about 'homaseckshulls'
- Farms
It was awful. The worst came when we were at a McDonalds and we were surrounded by tables of old men and ALL OF THEM were talking about 'homos'. One guy said that 'homosexuality is a hogwash sandwich' and that 'back when we were younger, they just kept to themselves. Now they gotta bring all that garbage into Washington and rub it in our faces'. It was my turn to then stage-whisper "I would argue with them, but I know they're all going to die soon and that's good enough". Seriously, fuck Kansas. It was a non-stop homophobic/anti-choice/sexist gangbang. Which, in a way, is super ironic; when most people think of Kansas they think of Judy Garland, Somewhere Over The Rainbow, and a soft-spoken Steel man. After driving through nothing but fields and windchimes for hours, we arrived in Colorado and stayed the night in Denver. Denver is awesome. We treated ourselves to a hotel and dinner and walked around the city. I know people make fun of Portland and Austin as being hipster-meccas, but seriously - watch out you two. Denver is coming for your ass. Denver is your Nomi Malone, coming to out-hipster you and take the throne.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Kansas vs. Denver. Oh my god, do I even need to explain this one? I feel like anyone with half a brain in Kansas gets on the first bus they can flag down and rides it into Colorado. For being diverse, happy, clean, having bike lanes and recycling, not making me feel like a redneck was going to pull a shotgun on me because I didn't vote for Mitt Romney, Colorado takes it. GOOD JOB, STATE THAT ISN'T A HATE-FILLED BAG OF DICKS.

DAY 5
Before we left Colorado, we stopped at a Target and I found a nice dog to pet. I actually followed the owners from their cars and waited for them to tie her up outside. Then I pounced and showered her with love. I have a porblem. Moving on. Once you drive out of Denver and through the mountains, it instantly turns into the desert. It's really weird. All of a sudden you go from breathing cool crisp air to inhaling dust and scorpions. The instant you cross the border into Utah, you are bombarded with Mormon churches. We decided to camp in the desert that night. I was actually very cool. Our view was dust, tumbleweeds, sunset. Our neighbor was this old southwest cowboy who was fascinated that we were from Canada. He said he always wanted to go to Canada, but it looks like everyone is always protesting. Truth! We love protesting. I told him to go to Alberta where they don't put up with that shit and he'll feel right at home with all the rodeos and cattle drives and such. When we woke up, we discovered there was no shower at this campground and we were disgusted, because both of us were starting to smell like terrible humans.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Colorado vs. Utah. Colorado wins simply because I like the snow-covered mountains more than the red-rock desert. That's all. Utah was very friendly, despite all the Mormons (actually, Mormons are the ones who keep to themselves and are fairly decent, right? I don't know). Colorado takes it. GOOD JOB, BRAH.

DAY 6
We took a detour that brought us to Salt Lake City. Both of us really wanted to see SLC just purely out of wanting to gawk at the Head Mormon Compound. Salt Lake City is very weird; on one hand, you have these hipsters who are trying very very hard to make this city cool, but on the other hand you have tons of Mormons making it safer than Disneyland on Military Appreciation Day. Two sides fighting so hard against eachother. But really, note to hipsters: Salt Lake City isn't cool. Stop trying to make it happen. Driving out of Salt Lake City takes you along the salt flats. What are salt flats? Google Utah Salt Flats. There, mystery solved. We walked on them and I tasted it to make sure it was really salt. It is! It's also weird because it feels like it should be cold like ice, but it's normal temperature. Utah borders Nevada, and the second you cross the border you're greeted by SO MANY CASINOS. We went to a grocery store and there was a casino in the grocery store. It was weird and sad and I did not like. We stayed in the Nevada desert/prairie and we got to see so many bunnies and prairie dogs up close. It was so cool. Our tent was on top of a warren.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Utah vs. Nevada. Tough one. Based solely on the prairie dog sightings, I got to go with Nevada. GOOD JOB, ONE ARMED BANDITS!

DAY 7
We had to drive through Reno to get to California, so we thought it would be a good idea to go walk around Reno for a bit. THIS WAS A MISTAKE. Reno, Nevada, is so sad and weird and awful. There is a reason why RENO-911 was made. It's a constant sketch idea. Everything you see could be made into a scene starring Lt.Dangle. It's literally the Biggest Little Mistake of a City in America. We drove out of Reno, shell-shocked, and into California. We drove through the mountains and trees and it felt SO Northern California. It was breathtaking. Ew, that word is so gross. We visited the Donner Party memorial; there is a giant statue that shows how deep the snow was. Learning about that was facinating. I always just thought it was a group of people who got lost in the woods and one person snapped and ate everyone, but that's so far from the truth. Turns out it was a group of people looking to relocate and they get snowed by a fast-talking hustler who thinks he knows the way. They end up in a massive snowstorm on a trail they need to blaze themselves, they run out of food, everyone is going crazy because they were supposed to arrive in September and it's now November. People are passing out and dying because they're cold and working too hard and have no food. Finally a few people start eating corpses because it's the only thing that will keep them alive. A rescue group finds them and (I think) that rescue group also gets stranded with them. Another rescue group finds them and helps them to safety. The snow was like 20 feet deep. It's insane. We didn't sleep in that state park cause it gave me the creeps. The park we stayed in was so nice; we put up our tent against the lake.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Nevada vs. California. Easy. California, especially northern California, is like something out of a movie. So cool. GOOD JOB, NOW TAKE THE 101 TO LA CIENEGA AND GET OUUUUUUT OF HEEEERE!!!!

DAY 8
It took us about an hour to drive to San Francisco, which is where our friends live. We stayed there for a week. San Francisco is very cold, you can't swim in the water, lots of rich people, very fancy and nice, has great food. I reccomend going.

DAY 8 PLUS A WEEK OR WHATEVER
We drive 6 hours to Los Angeles!

Okay, so I also saw a lot of animals on this trip (no, I'm not refering to the people of Reno). Here are the animals I saw:
- Rabbits
- Deer (2 walked right in front of my car at night time)
- Raccoons
- Big-horned Sheep
- Wild Turkey or a Road Buzzard. Still not sure what I saw.
- Pheasant
- Prairie Dogs
- Gopher
- Deer with stubby horns. Again, not sure what I saw.
- Bison
- Donkey
- Cows (duh, no biggie)
- Steers
- Horses
- And obviously dogs. Duh, dogs are everywhere. AMERICA'S MOST COMMON PET. 

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