8.14.2013

Introducing Summer 2013's Abusive Boyfriend Anthem: "Redneck Crazy" by Tyler Farr

Your mind immediately cut to Chris Brown jumping in his car with a Louisville Slugger, headed for Tyler Farr's house, right? So the only reason we're taking about this garbage is because it was the most repeated song on my road trip across the US. In some parts of the country I'd only be able to get one or two clear radio stations: New Country or Republican Talk Radio. Since I'd rather blow my brains out all over the dashboard than listen to a 90-year-old Republican compare abortions to the Holocaust, I'd listen to New Country stations. Of course, since the radio gods really hate me, they'd make sure that any time I turned on the radio, I'd be catching the tail end of a Top 10 list. And who was always #1? Tyler Farr's classic-in-the-making, perfect for a slow-dance, country ballad "Redneck Crazy". Have you been looking for the perfect daddy-daughter dance for a Quinceanera? A beautiful ballad to eulogize your recently deceased mother? Look no further! Tyler Farr has written a song he should be truly proud of. Not only does it make him sound like a Jason-level psycho, but it also serves as a permanent reminder for all women in the future to never, ever engage in a relationship with Tyler Farr.

Is it really that bad? I don't know. You be the judge. Let's break down these lyrics, shall we?

Gonna drive like hell through your neighbourhood
Park this Silverado on your front lawn
Crank up a little Hank, sit on the hood and drink
I'm about to get my pissed off on


First off,  I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that neither Tyler Farr nor his lady live right in the middle of Manhattan, so the neighborhood he's driving like hell through is probably a residential subdivision, and quite frankly that's unsafe. Have you ever tried to drive recklessly through a neighbourhood? I have, and it only lasts a few feet before you eat shit over a speed bump. Also, parking a truck on a front lawn? Something tells me this is not so much of a threat as it is just a local custom. Tyler Farr then jacks up the Hank (Hank who? Hank Hill? Hank Williams? Uncle Hank from Breaking Bad? Be specific, dum dum) which, again, stupid move. Have fun draining the battery in your truck while you treat your truck hood like a fucking picnic blanket and drink alone. But the best part is the line "I'm about to get my pissed off on". That sounds like emotional procrastination. I'm about to feel angry; right after another 4 episodes of Homeland, k?

I'm gonna aim my headlights into your bedroom windows
Throw empty beer cans at both of your shadows
I didn't come here to start a fight, but I'm up for anything tonight
You know you broke the wrong heart baby, and drove me redneck crazy


Jesus, does this guy's dad own a Chevy dealership? Clearly a dead battery is no worry for Tyler Farr. Just turn on the lights, crank up the radio, plug in a George Foreman grill, call for a tow when your truck won't start. All the while he's drinking so much he's able to throw multiple beer cans at her front window, which means he either came prepared with a bag full of cans, or he's slamming beers so fast that he's able to throw multiple cans before she gets up and calls the cops. Look, I'm not saying Tyler Farr isn't an intelligent guy, but something tells me he's no stranger to pounding beers at a rapid pace. I mean, the guy made the decision to drag race his truck through a family-filled neighborhood (I like to imagine he hit several of those plastic SLOW DOWN turtle signs on the way over).
Let's talk for a second about his claim that he didn't come to his lady's house to start a fight. Oh, fuck right off, Tyler. What a pussy. He's the type to antagonize a woman, but he's also the type who will throw beer cans at a dude and do loud burnouts in his truck on the front lawn and then get all "HE HIT ME! DID YOU SEE THAT??" when the guy comes out and knocks him on his ass.
So he's claiming she broke his heart. Oh my god, what a baby. If he was a teenager in the suburbs, he'd be cutting himself and crying along to The Cure. Although I will say this: I was cheated on once and I wanted revenge. I was also, like, 19-years-old and a girl, so really - Tyler Farr has the emotional control of a 19-year-old girl.

Wish I knew how long it's been going on
How long you've been getting some on the side
Nah, he can't amount to much by the look of that little truck
Well he wont be getting any sleep tonight


 So it sounds like Tyler's lady has been fucking on the low for a while and he didn't catch on. Excuse me? Really? Well, look - if I've learned anything from Maury, it's that not-so-smart people take a while to pick up on things. Again, not insinuating that Tyler Farr is a dum dum or a fucking idiot. I would never. But the best insult he was able to come up with was that the guy has a small truck. So he's saying that big truck = big penis? Holy shit, Tyler Farr is that guy who buys a Ferrari because he's over-compensating. Forget the dick-joke for a second, Tyler Farr just pulled a rich-high-school-asshole by making fun of his car. Jesus Tyler, what's next? You're going to call him out for wearing knockoff Abercrombie? Then he wraps it all up with saying that guy won't be getting any sleep tonight. Wait, you just said you didn't come to fight. I'm confused.

Did you think I'd wish you both the best, endless love and happiness
You know that's just not the kind of man I am
I'm the kind that shows up at your house at 3am


Tyler Farr, king of the rhetorical questions! No one thinks you're going to wish them the best of luck, dummy. The only person who would react to an affair like that would be someone who suffered a severe brain injury. But I'm starting to think I know why his lady would cheat on him. She's got a controlling, hot-head boyfriend who may or may not be an alcoholic and who is a terribly irresponsible driver. He loves fighting and bragging about his truck. She's scared to leave him out-right because - DUH - he'd probably go Redneck Crazy on her ass and put her in the Redneck Hospital (aka Walmart walk-in clinic) so she hooks up with a nice guy who drives a sensible truck so that when her asshole boyfriend (Tyler Farr) finds out, she has a little bit of protection when he shows up at her house at 3am, drunk off his face, ready to fight.

I would really love to hear the girl's version of this song, or even the other guy. I feel like if it was the girl, the lyrics would be like:

Finally I'm safe in my home, got my dog and a sweet man
I'm blinded by highbeams shining through my bedroom window
Oh shit, it's my asshole boyfriend
I've told him sixteen times we're done, but he's too fucking stupid to process big words

Also, at some times, don't you feel like Tyler Farr is trying to write the male version of Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"? Except it doesn't work, because getting revenge on a cheating man is very different from terrorizing a woman. Carrie Underwood: cheeky! Tyler Farr: somebody please call the women's shelter, you may need to free up a bed.

So there we have it! What does it say about middle America that this is their favourite song right now? "Yeah, play the one about the guy who gets drunk and goes to his girlfriend's house at 3am to kill her and her new boyfriend!" It's like someone wrote music and lyrics to the OJ Simpson/Nicole Brown saga. Not exactly heartwarming. But trust me, it's better to imagine that than to imagine that his girlfriend is Gretchen Wilson singing "Redneck Woman". Honestly, don't listen to that song; it will make you start to sympathise with Tyler Farr. NO! But really, don't listen to either song unless you really hate yourself.

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