8.14.2013

People Watching at Starbucks, Pt. 1

I've taken to spending a lot of time at Starbucks. I feel like as long as I'm out of my apartment, I'm doing something productive. I'm not saying that what I'm doing at Starbucks is productive; as I type this, I'm listening to Weird Al and sipping on the remains of an iced green tea while I try to think of jokes. If I was at home, I'd be on hour 5 of a Netflix marathon, so really, you be the judge.

I see a lot of people at Starbucks. It's at a shitty corner of Sunset Blvd, so you can always expect some real garbage people. Speaking of crazies, I just whipped my head around frantically to look out the window because it got dark really quickly and it's only 7:56. I'm very confused. Isn't it supposed to stay light out till 10:00pm in Los Angeles? That can't be right. Anyways, here are the real looney-bins at Starbucks this evening. 

There's a guy over near the bar where they give out the custom drinks and he's rooting through an open suitcase. It's a small black carry-on and he's looking at it like it's the first time he's opened it. Maybe it is? Maybe he stole it from the bus station. He's wearing over-stuffed cammo pants and about 12 black t-shirts. He just put another one on. Sealing up the suitcase now, and hiding it under the bar. You'd be almost sure he's homeless, except he's working on a better laptop than mine, which means he at least has half his shit together.

The guy beside me spent nearly 2 hours on the phone with either eBay or PayPal (I am still not entirely sure). He kept arguing that they wouldn't refund his money/wouldn't put through a purchase/something crackpot sounding. Over and over again he kept mentioning that his dad just died and his mom got sick, so he's come to Los Angeles to clear out her storage locker, and all the banks around here are Bank of America and he doesn't trust them. He also keeps claiming there's a glitch on the Amazon site. What? What's the glitch? He never specifies. Now he's playing online poker so loudly that another patron had to ask him to turn it down. As I write this, he's taking a Hooters commemorative pin off a paper backing and pinning it to his shirt.

There's a fairly normal looking guy sitting back towards the bathrooms playing cards and drinking out of a 2L jug of water. Oh, now he's standing up and getting ready to leave. Don't forget your jug!

There's an older hispanic man who is always at this Starbucks working away on a laptop. He also has a dog-eared copy of the dictionary on the table. He's constantly making eyes at slutty-looking girls who come in. Today he gave his card to a very slutty-looking gym rat. It had the worst logo I've ever seen. It was white with a black film reel and film cascading across the top. I guess he's supposed to be an agent or a talent scout? Oh my god, this city is depressing.

UPDATE: Hooters pin Amazon trouble phone call is now reading a magazine.

There is a very fancy business man. He's wearing a nice grey suit with a red tie and a white shirt and good leather shoes. He has nice glasses. His car is outside and it's a red, white, and grey Mini Cooper. Oh my god. He twinsies'ed with his own car. He got a ticket for parking too long and he whipped it off his car with such a flourish it looked like an Olympic event.

There is a big fat guy who's drank two trenta (you know, the mammoth size) caramel frappucinnos. Those are like 1200 calories each. I am afraid for him. I want to give him a hug and tell him that water sucks, but sometimes it's necessary.

There is a girl who looks exactly like Naya Rivera, but isn't. Hollywood sucks. You either look like yourself, or you look like someone famous. But no one wants to look like themselves here. Am I already Hollywood-jaded? I think I might be. BITCH I MIGHT BE. I've been in Starbucks too long.

There is an old man in a bucket hat who is here every single time I'm here. He's writing something on his laptop. I'd like to believe it's a novel, but in all likelihood it's just pages and pages of hjfdshajkdhfsjkfh.

UPDATE: Sleazy hispanic man is looking at me. Maybe he's looking to expand his stable of sluts by lowering the bar? I see you boo.

There is a table with two men, two women. The men are in their 40s, overweight, wearing chinos and golf shirts. They're talking about iPhones. One of the guys said "The iPhone is a beautiful device". What? Oh my god, who says that? Sitting with them are two women, late 20s/early 30s. Both wearing 4" heels, very tight tube dresses. They both look like tightly-packed sausages. The one girl is wearing black satin and it has tons of crummy silver studs on it. The other is wearing a white patterned dress with black mesh side panels. She's not wearing a bra, but she is wearing high-waisted Hanes underwear. It looks like the world's shittiest date. It could be two of the world's shittiest prostitutes. It's definitely the world's most depressing table at Starbucks.

Another table has an odd coupling. Older man, 50s. Salt and pepper beard. Grey golf shirt. Short, but also wide. He looks like he farts a lot during sex. His lady is slim, Asian, long pretty hair. Fashionably dressed. She's helping him on his laptop. They're filling out a gift card together. Again, not entirely sure what is going on here. I think they may be married. But it feels wrong. It feels like watching the backwards-stair-walking scene from The Exorcist.

A family just walked in and the dad is wearing a fanny pack. Good job dad; you're wearing the uniform that says "I am not from here". All you need is your wife to be trying to make heads or tails of a Hollywood Star Map. You're definitely not going to get robbed on La Brea.

There's a girl, no makeup, working off an ancient Macbook. Wearing an Earwolf t-shirt, cut-off jean shorts, a grey cardigan. She just finished listening to Whitney's "I'm Every Woman". She's been nursing the same drink for three-and-a-half hours. It's time for her to go home and tuck into some Netflix.

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