8.20.2013

Terrible sketch ideas

I've been writing sketches.

They're not good.

Actually, change that. Some are okay. But most are a nightmare of bad ideas and difficult-to-process. Here are some of the sketches that haven't made it far enough to be adopted by a nice family.

- Two roommates, one is Jesus. The first roommate confronts Jesus about that stupid Footprints story, claiming that Jesus is only elabroating on a story where he took his dog for a walk on the beach and the dog got tired, so he carried it.

- A 4:20 conspiracy theorist who claims that 4:20 aka Weed Day (or Weed Hour) was only invented to distract us from 9/11. 4 times 2 is 8, which is 1 less than 9. Plus another 1 to represent a joint.

- President Cat. An American election is rocked by the news that ill-informed citizens vote a cat into office. The cat was put on the ballot as a joke by a senile Republican senator. The cat wears tiny suits.

- Freaks and Geeks and Riverdale. This is exactly as bad as you think it would be.

- Billboard Kings. Two douchebags who sell billboard real estate.

- Two real estate agents who's selling point comes from two things: they're fraternal twin brothers named Brad and Chad, and they have an inside scoop on which homes had violent murders committed in them. "We tell you what others try to hide, cause we're honest and we're twins!"

- A company that buys old cellphones just so they can read your pathetic text messages.

- Dads of Style. Like Sons of Anarchy, but with baby boomers on scooters.

- Shitty Tales of Horror: a show like The Twilight Zone that has real life scary, but mostly shitty, stories. Finding a roommate on Craigslist. Trying to buy a used bed from Goodwill. Being asked to watch a friend's terrible short film. Having to go poo in a public washroom at a crappy mall.

- Moliday, the Mom Holiday. A resort designed specifically for Moms. Everyday you wake up and are given dummies to dress and feed and "send to school". Then all the Moms join each other in the great room to watch Live with Kelly and Michael or The View. Once they're done, they can choose to either drive to the mall to buy shit from Yankee Candle or have coffee at Panera Bread. In the evening, there's a low-impact group Zumba class and everyone shares stories about their most successful child.

- Windchimes, a resort for late-in-life lesbians.

- A focus group of people testing out new neck-bandannas for dogs.

- A lady who keeps saying "I'm not too fussy about...". A lot of quick cuts of the lady saying things like "I'm not too fussy about the way she handed us our bill", "I'm not too fussy about the way that young man looked at me", "I'm not too fussy about having diarrhea on the plane". 

- Air Buddies 6: Buddies Be Trippin! The gang of 5 retriever puppies find themselves in the middle of "the hood" with no way to get home. Their only hope is to make friends with a rag-tag group of strays. Yes, there is a chihuahua who keeps saying "Loco, man!" and he's voiced by Carlos Mencia.

- Special wedding ring. It has everything! Celtic knots, pieces of moon rock, a diamond from the Kate Hudson/Anne Hathaway classic Bride Wars, it's platinum and gold and nickle-free stainless steel, it plays Etta James "At Last", the inside is engraved with Lord of the Rings shit.

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